Did he really just do that?

"Go On a Fun Date With Yourself This Valentine's Day"

2012-02-13T11:48:00.000-08:00

Oh, Valentine’s Day…

It’s a day that made me ultra-depressed when I was single, but a day I barely even notice now that I’ve been in a relationship for the past three V-days. This leads me to believe that I used to put way too much emphasis on having a date—any ol’ date—on the day of love.

Instead, I should have just embraced my singledom and gone on a date with myself each February 14th. It may sound depressing until you try it, then you’ll realize how truly liberating it is.

When I lived in Paris, my favorite thing to do was explore the city alone. I would take walks through the park, jog by the Eiffel Tower, sip wine at an outdoor table overlooking the river, eat dinner at a quaint French café. The world was my oyster.

Think of Valentine’s Day as your own little exploratory day. No matter what city you live in, you’re bound to find something fulfilling to do on this magical “date with yourself,” as I always liked to call it in Paris. And don’t forget that learning to be comfortable with yourself is a big step in being ready for a relationship. So why not be proactive and empowered this Valentine’s Day instead of sad and lonely?

Here are some fun activities to do alone:

1. Explore a museum or zoo. Adorable baby polar bears, anyone?
2. Go ice skating or roller blading. You’ll have a ton of fun and sculpt your calves and thighs while you’re at it.
3. Visit a garden or park. Brooklyn Botanic Garden is amazing, if you live in the New York area.
4. Go to an old bookstore and browse for hours. And grab a nice, rich coffee while you’re at it!
5. Look up your family tree online or at the local library. You might find out you’re royalty.
6. Pamper yourself. Get a mani/pedi, massage, facial and buy yourself flowers. It’s all about you!
7. Take creative pictures around the city. Snap some photos around the city and show them off to friends and family online.
8. Plan a day trip. If you have access to mass transit, take a fun day trip. If you live on the East Coast, the possibilities are endless. If you live in the Midwest (where I’m from, so I feel your pain of being rather landlocked), you could take a relaxing drive to a nearby town or countryside and explore.
9. Make yourself a nice dinner. My most recent favorite? Steamed salmon with lemon and asparagus. Check out the recipe on Real Simple’s website.
10. Make an “independent” mix and hit the gym. My “Top 10 Breakup Songs” entry might give you some inspiration.

Readers: What are your plans for Valentine’s Day? Will you be celebrating with your significant other, with friends, solo, or not celebrating at all?

"Lesson Learned: Keep Your Fights Private"

2012-01-31T17:01:00.000-08:00

I realize the irony of this blog's title as I publicly declare a fight me and my live-in boyfriend had last night, but I must tell you in order to warn you. If you're like me and have never been in a serious relationship prior to your current one (or if you just never learned your lesson), hear my warning: Don't ask your friends to weigh in on your argument.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for over two years and have lived together for almost a year. We have a very healthy relationship that involves very little fighting and never any yelling fights: until last night. It all began when I said we should clean because it was getting late and my boyfriend promised he would do laundry and tidy up with me. Unfortunately, my boyfriend despises cleaning down to his very core. I don't know anyone who loves it but he would do anything to avoid it. However, I made it clear before we moved in together that I am not a maid. And so he reluctantly helps me clean each week and gives what appears to be his best effort at doing something he hates.

Because I am a woman and nothing is ever good enough (and also because I was PMSing), I snapped when he asked if we really had to clean again and then said something to the effect of, "We are always cleaning." To him, I am a clean freak. To me, my cleaning habits are normal or even below normal. But then I started to question myself: Was I out of line asking for 30 minutes per week of cleaning time? Was this an abnormal request? Was I acting like a psycho girlfriend?

Here is where I messed things up: I decided to text an "informal poll" to a few of my friends.

"Just taking an informal poll," I wrote. "How often do you and your significant other clean?"

One female friend immediately wrote back, "At least once a week, and that includes cleaning everything and wiping down floor boards."

My male friend wrote, "Once a week, but clean the floor every day."

Each time someone text messaged me back, I ran into the living room and informed my boyfriend.

"Looks like normal people DO clean once a week," I said.

And with this, my boyfriend flew off the handle.

My informal poll, it seems, sent him over the edge. By bedtime, he had decided to sleep on the couch, something that never even came close to happening in our two years of dating. Once I saw him lay down on the couch with blankets and pillows, I realized I had taken things too far. For once, he was actually mad at me.

After an hour of me crying in bed and him sulking on the couch, I came into the living room and apologized for my behavior. He apologized too, and all was good again by morning.

Lesson learned: no more informal polls.

Readers: Do you have a lesson learned in your relationship or past relationships? Tell us here by leaving a comment or e-mailing me at didhereally@gmail.com.

Finding Love Involves Practice, Research and Standards

2012-01-22T08:21:00.000-08:00

Check out my blog entry on Simply Solo. It's about doing your homework in order to find that special someone:

"Finding Love Involves Practice, Research and Standards"

"Eat Healthy To Attract A Healthy Partner"

2012-01-07T13:24:00.000-08:00

I've been reading a book called Integrative Nutrition (I love my self-help books), and it prompted me to think about the importance of being physically healthy in order to attract a healthy partner (who's healthy both mentally and physically). And because we just started the New Year, what better time to get healthy than now?

By eating healthy and exercising, you're more likely to give off a feel-good vibe that attracts others. Not only will your skin have a sexy "veggie glow," but you will also be more energized and positive, thus making you more attractive to potential mates. When you eat Doritos and Twinkies all day, you get a quick junk food rush followed by a gross sugar crash, which can make you irritable, depressed and negative -- not to mention make you more susceptible to obesity, high blood pressure, stomach problems and a host of diseases. But when you nourish your body and respect it, it boosts your self-esteem and makes it easier to be social and happy.

When I was 25, I got an ulcer from eating like crap, drinking too much coffee, and stressing myself out. I lost 13 pounds (and only weighed 105 to begin with), so I looked like a little skeleton walking around New York City. I not only looked disgusting, but I felt disgusting. And you can bet I didn't attract very many guys during this time. I was tired, nauseous, anxious and very negative all the time because I had let stress get the best of me. But after I decided to start cooking healthy foods at home, taking yoga classes and only drinking non-caffeinated tea, my health improved significantly and I felt good again. Six months later, I found a boyfriend.

Sometimes illnesses and unhealthiness can't be helped because of genetics or environmental factors -- but if you are simply unhealthy because of your own lifestyle choices, it's going to send a message to others that you just don't care. And that's a very unattractive quality.

Interesting tidbit: According to a study published in the journal, Evolution and Human Behaviour, eating foods high in carotenoids (a nutrient found in some fruits and vegetables) gave people a healthy glow that rivaled a sun tan and made them more attractive in tests. Read more here: Can a Veggie-Rich Diet Make You More Beautiful?

What Is Your New Year's Resolution?

2012-01-01T09:14:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year! What is your 2012 resolution? Is it to work out more? Travel? Cook at home? Get into a relationship? Improve the relationship you're already in? Let us know here by posting a comment below or e-mailing didhereally@gmail.com.

Mine is to be less stressed/anxious. Here are my tactics so far:

1. Go to yoga/meditation classes
2. Get adequate sleep
3. Take my vitamins
4. Cook healthy food
5. Eliminate caffeine
6. Get a professional massage once a month
7. Give myself a home spa treatment once a week (foot massage, face mask, deep conditioner for hair)
8. Keep apartment organized
9. Remind myself, "This won't matter when I'm 80."
10. Keep track of my money

I'm really going to try not to break this one.

"5 Great Places To Meet Singles (besides bars)"

2011-12-22T05:00:00.001-08:00

Many single people go to the bar to meet potential mates, which does sometimes turn into a beautiful relationship. In fact, one of the best couples I know met at a bar. But more often than not, bars are just bad news. Not only are both people usually drunk, but many times the bar meeting merely leads to a hazy hookup instead of a meaningful relationship. Here are 5 much better places to meet your mate:

1. Online- Of course online dating comes with its risks. For one, you don't know how many other people these singles are dating while dating you. And two, the Internet often invites creeps. You just don't know if someone is telling the truth (which is why you should meet in a public place). But in general, I feel that online daters are looking for serious relationships. And if they aren't, their online profiles usually specify this.

2. School- If you're already considering going back to school, this is a great place to kill two birds with one stone and also broaden your dating options. School is the optimal place to find an educated partner with similar career goals. If you can't afford school full-time, consider taking one class you find interesting.

3. Weddings- Love is in the air at weddings, and singles are often lonely when all this love is flying about. So why not ask the cute girl or guy to dance? Just make sure you're not related first.

4. Exercise class- Whether it's a running group or a yoga class, meeting during a workout can certainly be hot. Not only are those feel-good endorphins already being released through exercise, but you're even more apt to be attracted to each other because of your shared love for loving your bodies.

5. Through mutual friends- This is probably the best way because your friends (if good ones) know you best and will choose wisely for you. In addition, 1) the other person has already been "screened" by your friend for signs of crazy, 2) you probably share similar interests because you share friends 3) and your friend can give a toast at your future wedding.

"Are You Just A Glorified Friend With Benefits?"

2011-12-05T19:28:00.000-08:00

Are you a legitimate girlfriend, or just a glorified friend with benefits? Are you in denial about the unfortunate gray area between "friend with benefits" and "serious relationship?" Here's how you can tell:

Does this scenario sound familiar to you?
You go on romantic dates, you invite each other to company parties, and you go away together during weekends, but he claims he doesn't want anything serious, no matter how long you've been "together" or how many times he refers to you as his girlfriend.

Or...
He claims he does want something serious but never says he loves you and never allows your relationship to progress beyond the honeymoon phase. You know you're more than just physical, but if you're really honest with yourself, you know the relationship is stagnant and will never evolve beyond dating. It will never be a solid, confident relationship with a future. You're always questioning the state of your relationship.

Need a specific example?
I know a guy who has been involved in a "relationship" for a year now. (Yes, an entire year.) They spend many nights in the same bed, go on mini trips to visit his parents (Yes, his parents), and they usually go to dinner each Friday night. Although the activities involved may imply relationship, this situation has not evolved at all in an entire year. He tells her openly that he will never be in love with her, that he will never marry her and that he's not looking for anything serious. But, alas she sticks around, telling herself that she is more than a friend with benefits.

Need an example from my own mistakes?
In 2008, I was deeply emotionally invested in a glorified friends with benefits situation. Even though he called me his girlfriend, we spent every weekend together, went on dates all the time, attended company barbecues together, and even went on a five-day vacation, something told me the relationship just wasn't right. From the beginning, he told me he "didn't want anything serious." I said this was fine and that I also wanted to take things slowly (giant mistake #1)

As the months unfolded, I realized that our horrible "relationship" was really all my fault because I allowed myself to stay in a situation in which I wasn't getting anything I wanted while he was having his cake and eating it, too. All along, I knew deep down that I was nothing more than a glorified friend with benefits, but I convinced myself and tried to force him into believing otherwise. I even gave him an ultimatum: Be my boyfriend, or nothing (giant mistake #2- You should never have to force someone to be your boyfriend.)

Other warning signs
Here are other telltale signs that you're in a gray area of commitment (Keep in mind, these rules don't obviously apply if you just started dating, and not every rule may apply to your situation):

1. You never discuss the future.
2. He doesn't say I love you.
3. He flirts with other girls when you're out.
4. He doesn't talk about you openly with his friends and family, and/or he tells you he wants the relationship to stay a secret.
5. You feel very insecure about the state of your relationship.
6. Your relationship revolves around sex.
7. He says he never wants to get married.
8. You started out as friends with benefits.
9. You fight all the time.
10. You feel like his words don't match his actions.
11. You feel like you "forced" him to date you.
12. He talks about his ex all the time.

The bottom line: Words and actions must align
Only you know if you're actually just a glorified friend with benefits instead of a real girlfriend. Deep down, you can feel the insecurity, even if you're denying it. Deep down, you know the relationship is going nowhere, even if he calls you his girlfriend. But if you're still in denial or in question, use this rule: Make sure his actions and words align. If he says I love you but never does anything to show it, don't believe him. Conversely, if he never says I love you but does sweet things, it may mean he's just a nice guy who's simply not in love with you. If he invites you to his parents' house for the weekend but keeps you secret from his friends, then there's something wrong. If he says he wants to be with you but keeps dating someone else, there's something wrong. The list goes on and on.

Everything he says must match what he does, and everything he does must match what he says. And if it doesn't, do yourself a favor and find a guy who will give you the commitment you so deserve.

"10 Signs He's a Royal D-Bag"

2011-12-01T04:57:00.001-08:00

1. He won't take care of you/cuddle when you're sick because he doesn't "want to catch germs."
2. He pressures you to have sex when you have a UTI.
3. He hits on the waitress during your date.
4. He doesn't tip the waitress (The exception: the waitress was ultra-rude).
5. He pops his collar and/or wears his sunglasses at night.
6. He says he hates your new haircut and/or outfit.
7. He speaks in vivid detail about his ex.: "Huh, funny. She always liked that position more than you do..."
8. He flaunts his money and/or people he knows: "So this one time when me and Mary-Kate and Ashley were at a club with a $400 cover charge..."
9. You bend down to pet a puppy and he kicks it.
10. He introduces you as his "friend."

"5 Relationship Warning Signs Revealed Through Facebook"

2011-11-15T19:17:00.000-08:00

We all know Facebook can be useless, addictive and at times comical because of its childishness. But it can also be a great tool for examining your relationship -- or lack thereof. Your Facebook behavior can reveal telltale signs that one or both of you aren't fully committed to dating each other. Here are the five most common:

1. Your relationship isn't "Facebook official." This may sound like junior high crap, but refusing to declare your partnership via social networking may be a sign of insecurity, fear or a lack of commitment. If you want to make it FB official but are afraid of how your partner may react, ask yourself where this fear comes from. Are you afraid your partner will be uncomfortable with this public display of commitment? Are you afraid the relationship will crumble and you will be forced to change your status and face the humiliation of everyone seeing the broken heart symbol in their news feed? Or conversely, are you the one who doesn't like your partner enough to make it FBO? If you answered yes to any of these questions, it's time to examine why you're still in a relationship that remains such a secret. There are a few exceptions to this rule: 1) You're not displaying a relationship status for privacy reasons (although maintaining privacy on Facebook is laughable). 2) You have the world's most minimal Facebook account with little to no activity, or you don't know how to work Facebook. 3) Your partner isn't a Facebook member -- But in this case, you can still change your status to the general "In a relationship" or "Married."

2. You've been dating for awhile, and you have never appeared in your partner's profile picture. It's one thing if he never changes his picture, but it's quite another if he changes it weekly and you have never been in the picture. This may mean you don't quite fit into the picture of his life. I should note that this rule also has some exceptions. For example, if you have been married forever, you may not feel inclined to showcase your couple photos, as this is "old news." You might instead post pictures of your children, your dog, a cityscape, you making a duck face in front of the mirror. But as a general rule, happy couples proudly display loving photos on Facebook.

3. You often communicate with your partner via Facebook. Why are you writing on your partner's wall all the time when you could be talking on the phone or hanging out in person? This makes me think there are real communication and comfort issues. If you want to send a video link, fine -- but don't ask how your partner's day is going or write something mushy. Which brings me to my next point...

4. You write corny things about your partner for all to see. There is nothing worse than seeing this: "Today is me & Jimmy Joe's 6-month anniversary. I love you, baby, and couldn't imagine dating anyone else. You're my soul mate, my best friend and the love of my life. XoXo Forever and Always." If you must say this typical garbage at all, save us all a barf and do it privately. Openly discussing your relationship in Facebook world makes me wonder what relationship problems you're hiding from the real world.

5. You or your partner talk to your exes on Facebook. In Facebook world, it's acceptable to wish an ex happy birthday, but it's very unacceptable to send each other messages or write frequently on each others' walls. Facebook has become the culprit for many divorces because it provides access to past loves that would otherwise be unreachable. Don't fall into the trap. And if your partner talks to exes on Facebook, it's time for a serious talk.

"Stop Looking For The Funny Guy"

2011-11-13T13:07:00.000-08:00

Ask a crowd of single women what they seek most in a partner, and nearly all them will say, “Someone who makes me laugh.” Ask married women the same question, and most will answer, “Someone who respects me,” or “Someone who’s kindhearted.” Therein lies the first problem: Single women have this delusional idea that humor is the most important quality in the world, but in reality it has nothing to do with how a partner will treat you.

Anything can make me laugh: Saturday Night Live, a vulgar greeting card or even a cute kitten playing with a ball of yarn. But does that mean SNL, a greeting card and a cat treat me the way I need to be treated? Humor is entertaining, but it certainly doesn’t define a good man. In my experience, the jokesters were always the worst boyfriends. They couldn’t even be serious when I cried, they often cruelly made fun of people or were just plain dumb, and they weren’t mature enough to treat me like a grown woman.

When I met my boyfriend, I noticed something different about him. Whereas I had normally been attracted to guys who offered clever pickup lines or a nasty joke, my boyfriend exhibited an overwhelming sense of kindness, so much that I noticed it the second he smiled and we shook hands. I didn’t once think, “Oh man, I bet he’s going to be hilarious!” I didn’t care if he was funny (which he did turn out to be). All I cared about was his kindness, which is actually what women should be looking for in a partner. After all, anyone can be funny in their own way. But it takes a real man to be kind and respectful.

"Can You Be Friends With The Opposite Sex While In a Relationship?"

2011-11-07T19:46:00.000-08:00

Last night, I had an interesting talk with my girlfriends about whether people in serious relationships can still have friends of the opposite sex. They unanimously agreed that guy/girl friendships are off limits once significant others come into the picture.

At best, they believe guys and girls can be acquaintances who call each other every few months. These calls can be made for a few specific reasons: 1) There was a death in your friend's family. 2) It's Christmas/Hanukkah/your friend's birthday. (This is best with a text -- a call will probably be viewed as too romantic). 3) You're in town and want to meet up in a very public place for lunch or in a group setting. 4) You want to plan a double date.

Most importantly, hanging out alone is prohibited no matter what the circumstance.

I am conflicted about this unspoken friend rule. This is because I was completely single for the first 25 years of my life and therefore had 2.5 decades to make guy friends. I'm not going to sit here and tell you I have "way more guy friends than girlfriends" (also known as what every promiscuous girl with low self-esteem claimed during college to get attention from men). As I got older and stopped craving keg stands and random make-out sessions, I started craving female friendships. Slowly but surely, my guy friends fell out of my life and girlfriends took over my parties, dinners, weekend trips and phone calls.

At first, I didn't notice the transition. It began directly after college graduation, but being that I had moved to Paris where all men were dangerously horny and aggressive, I figured my clinging to girls was just a cultural thing to protect myself from French guys. Then I moved to New York and finally realized that nearly every guy friend had fallen off the radar except the trusty gays. The gays are the woman's loophole to still having friends of the opposite sex. Gays can sleep over, go to dinner with you and even go on trips with you. Nothing matters because they like men just like you.

Regardless of the transition from guy friends to girlfriends, I must admit I still have no problem calling my old guy friends just to chat. Would I ever make new guy friends at this age? No. But do I believe it's appropriate to ditch all male friends once you're in a serious relationship? I think it's a personal judgment call. If those guy friends are people 1) you loved 2) who loved you 3) who had sex with you 4) or who wanted to have sex with you, then I believe it's best not to go there. If, on the other hand, you are both in serious relationships and feel absolutely zero attraction toward each other in the present day, then I think it's fine to be friends. Just limit your communication to once every few weeks or months.

The friend rule is a gray area with many exceptions. For instance, I generally don't think it's a good idea to remain friends if you have ever liked each other, but I am still friends with several guys I had crushes on in college. However, it now repulses me to think of ever dating them, and it has repulsed me for years. And because I feel nothing, I feel no guilt speaking to them while I'm in a serious relationship.

The friend rule is also tough to judge because of the fact that I drunkenly kissed nearly every guy friend I had during college, but it meant nothing. I think the same rings true for most girls in their college days.

So if you're having trouble deciding if it's OK to still be friends with your college buddy, just use your best judgment. If you feel something, immediately cease communication. Because remember, it's still cheating even if it's emotional. In fact, it's probably worse. And also remember that someday, most of us will be married with kids and not really have friends, anyway. Then none of this friend debate will even matter.

Date Your Complement

2011-11-02T19:23:00.000-07:00

Interesting article on Evan Marc Katz's dating site about what you should be looking for in a partner

"Stop Believing Real Love Is Like The Movies"

2011-10-26T19:07:00.000-07:00

The dating game is a learning game, and we all make many mistakes along the way. One of the biggest mistakes is believing true love is like Carrie and Mr. Big.

Like many women, you’ve probably been brainwashed into thinking that unrequited, dysfunctional love will somehow prevail. I’m here to assure you that this is all a giant, female delusion. When you live in a fantasy world that pop culture creates, you shut off reality and ruin your chance with a real partner who can offer real romance.

True love isn’t at all like the movies. Your true love probably won't ever chase you through an airport to confess his love or read Shakespeare to you in a quaint cabin in Vermont. Sure, real love has its sexy, flirty times. But it also has the little, everyday times that make you see how much you love each other. A real partner will clean up your barf after a violent bout of food poisoning. A real partner will let you drool on his chest at night. And a real partner will know all your little quirks, like how you fake yawn when you’re mad but pretending everything’s OK.

So where did our perception of true love get so off course? It all began in childhood, particularly with Disney. As we got older, we were bombarded with songs, movies, books and TV shows that gave us hope for happily ever after. Somewhere between “Snow White” and “When Harry Met Sally,” we started believing that if we just wait long enough, endure enough pain and/or move far enough away, our Prince Charming will wise up and marry us.

So if you're having trouble getting the PG-13 movie idea out of your head, I suggest what I did for several months during my "recovery process" – stop watching romance movies and definitely stop listening to any song about unrequited love (Sadly, it's hard to find a song that's not about unfulfilled love, but there are some out there. And hey, there's always instrumental). Once you've convinced yourself that pop culture is not reality, it's safe to watch "Sex And The City" again.

Dear Readers

2011-10-13T17:20:00.000-07:00

Dear Readers:

Thanks for helping me win the blog challenge on YourTango.com! "5 Ways To Curb Your Nagging"

Happy Dating,
C.L.

10 Great (But a Bit Corny) "I'm In Love" Songs

2011-10-12T19:36:00.000-07:00

In contrast to the empowering breakup songs list earlier this week, here's a rundown of my favorite corny songs to sing about my boyfriend (aka the "Happy Mix" on my Grooveshark account):

1. "Anyone Else But You" - Michael Cera & Ellen Page
2. "I Got You, Babe"- Sonny & Cher
3. "Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now"- Starship (Yeah, that's right...any of you remember the movie "Mannequin"? Classic.)
4. "Everywhere"- Fleetwood Mac
5. "You Make Loving Fun"- Fleetwood Mac
6. "You & I"- Ingrid Michaelson
7. "The Sweetest Thing"- Lauryn Hill
8. "Lasso"- Phoenix
9. "Sey Hey (I Love You)"- Michael Franti & Spearhead
10. "I Could Hold You In My Arms"- Ray LaMontagne

What songs make you happiest?

Help me win the blog challenge!

2011-10-10T19:06:00.000-07:00

Dear Readers:

I am trying to win a blog challenge on YourTango.com. Please read my post, see what you think and rate it, share it on Twitter, Facebook, etc. Also feel free to comment on the post at the bottom. Everything helps, and I am looking for both people who agree and disagree with my post. Here's the link: 5 Ways To Curb Your Nagging

If possible, please try to vote and/or share and comment on the post as soon as you can. They announce a winner every day for 5 weeks, so I'm sort of unclear on the time frame of tallying the popularity of the posts.

Thanks and happy dating,
C.L.

"Top 10 Breakup Songs"

2011-10-10T05:04:00.001-07:00

Next time you're suffering from a broken heart, put on some of these tunes to lift your spirit. They're great workout songs, too! Readers, feel free to add to the list by leaving a comment.

1. "Strip Me (radio edit)" by Natasha Bedingfield
2. "Son Of A Gun" by Janet Jackson and Carly Simon
3. "Human Nature" by Madonna
4. Anything from the "Flashdance" soundtrack
5. "Me, Myself & I" by Beyonce
6. Anything from the "Save The Last Dance" soundtrack
7. "Hole In My Head" by Dixie Chicks
8. "Karma" by Alicia Keys
9. "Single Ladies" by Beyonce
10. "Single" by Natasha Bedingfield

"5 Lines That Scream 'RUUUUN!'"

2011-10-06T05:04:00.000-07:00

1. I don't want anything serious.
Unless you legitimately just want sex, you should run the second you hear this line. Otherwise, two years down the line, your partner may still assume you're dating lightly while you're Photoshopping expensive wedding gowns to your full-length Facebook photos. Even if you think you don't want anything serious, you're probably just lying to yourself. After age 25, most people want to be in a meaningful relationship that's actually going somewhere.

2. I want to take this slowly because I don't want to mess anything up.
Um, please. If you like someone, you'll move at whatever natural pace occurs. You won't intentionally slow things down, and you won't be scared if things move fast. Just make sure they don't move TOO fast. Relationships need time to be nurtured. If you elope in Vegas after two months of dating, you may want to examine your self-esteem issues and whether you're simply afraid of being alone. And if you haven't said I love you after months and months of dating, you should examine your commitment issues.

3. I never want to get married or have kids. OK, how many people don't want a family someday? Wanting to be alone forever (or at least childless) is a very rare thing that requires two people who feel the same. If you want to get married someday and/or have kids and your partner does not, you're fighting a losing battle. Changing your partner's views on this is like making a non-animal lover cozy up to the idea of a pet sugar glider. As my grandma says, "A leopard doesn't change its spots."

4. I am married/in a relationship.
Do I even need to explain this one? If you're wrecking a relationship, I have one word for you: therapy.

5. I'm scared of my feelings for you. This is a line people use when they don't want to commit to you but want to keep having sex. Women often let men use this excuse, even when the man hasn't actually said this. Example: "I know he loves me. He's just scared of his feelings because his ex really hurt him." These delusions will earn you a friend with benefits, at most. Not a boyfriend.

Great Ways To Flirt

2011-10-01T12:07:00.000-07:00

Read here about 5 types of flirting men love (YourTango)

Will post a new entry soon.

Happy Dating,
C.L.

"Things That Make You Undateable"

2011-09-17T11:50:00.000-07:00

If you're having trouble finding that special person to love or even just have some fun with, you may need to examine how you act on a first date. A first date is generally the deciding factor of whether a person is disgusted or intrigued by you. Here are some things that you may be doing wrong:

1. Talking about your ex. No one wants to hear about your horrible breakup or lingering communication with the guy or girl you dated for the past five years. Opening up about your ex is fine down the road - during the obligatory "tell me about your past loves" talk that boyfriends and girlfriends have - but blurting it all out on the first date just signals emotional baggage. If you're not over your ex, don't attempt dating until you've seen a therapist.

2. Getting extremely drunk. Of course having a couple drinks softens the awkwardness of a first date, but getting bombed just makes you look like a skank who wants to sleep together on the first date. Don't get sloppy, or you'll probably act slutty.

3. Being too cheap. A guy who doesn't tip well at dinner is hopeless; the way he treats waiters is likley a direct reflection of how he will treat you in the relationship. Remember, 20% is the standard.

4. Being too emotional. A first date is not the place to reveal your psychological scars. "It all started when my dad left us when I was 6..." is a real downer. If there's no leather couch, you're not allowed to cry or puke out your sad little story. Smile frequently, and avoid being a Debbie Downer at all costs.

5. Acting like an FBI agent. Don't interrogate or interview your date. This is just plain uncomfortable and makes the other person feel awkward and violated. Keep the conversation light, listen, and don't ask an extreme amount of questions. "So where are you from? Where did you go to school? What is your degree? Where do you work? Do you like working there?" Blah blah, booooooring. It's nice to ask questions about the other person, but don't just skip frantically from one question to the next. Let the conversation flow, and don't be afraid of a few silent pauses.

6. Being a pretty, pretty princess. I don’t care if you only eat organic. Make an exception if he takes you to a nice restaurant (unless you have an allergy or other health restrictions). Even if the venue isn’t your favorite place, at least pretend to have fun. Gazing out the window with a dramatic, sullen look on your face makes even the hottest girl look hideous.

7. Playing on your cell phone. When my boyfriend and I go to dinner, I turn my phone off (and we’ve been together two years). So the least you can do on a first date is make a good first impression by not answering your phone at the table or playing Angry Birds during dessert.

Readers: What makes someone undateable? Tell us here, or email me at didhereally@gmail.com.

Sex and The City Prequel? Really?

2011-09-12T18:26:00.000-07:00

YourTango.com has the low-down on this new Sex & The City prequel, a TV show that sounds about as exciting as organizing my closet. But I'll probably watch an episode or two, anyway...

Read about the "The Carrie Diaries"
here.

Will post another love blog soon...

Happy Dating,
C.L.

"Make Yourself Happy First"

2011-09-06T04:57:00.001-07:00

(I am not sure why some of the words in this post have hyperlinks, but don't click on them in case it's a virus. I am too bad with technology to understand why this has happened.)

Anyway, I just started reading "The Happiness Project" by Gretchen Rubin, which is basically a self-help/memoir about one woman's journey to make her life happier (as the title implies). As I was reading the chapter on improving her marriage, it got me thinking about how we all too often seek a romantic relationship to make us happy without first exploring ourselves.

This is not to say romantic relationships shouldn't bring significantly more happiness than when we're single. Of course they make us happier. It's human nature to crave companionship and a physical connection. Since meeting my boyfriend almost two years ago, I am a million times happier than when I was single. But I also keep two things in mind: One, I did a lot of self-exploration before meeting him. I lived in Paris for a year, read every self-help book in Borders, went to a psychologist and worked on strengthening my friendships. This personal growth was crucial in order to have a healthy relationship.

And two, I know I must continue to explore myself and find ways to be happy both in our relationship and outside of it. I have to grow my career, keep my friendships, stay in good shape and find new hobbies.

The good news is it's never too late to explore yourself. Whether you're single or have been married for 40 years, it will always benefit you and your significant other to find ways to be happy with yourself and with your relationship.

So how do you make yourself happy, whether single or in a relationship? Do you take pottery classes, do yoga, buy a shiny new sex toy, climb Mount Everest? Post your ideas here...

"Obeying The List of Dealbreakers"

2011-08-24T14:56:00.000-07:00

While watching a "Millionaire Matchmaker" marathon today, I was reminded of an important dating tidbit that I consider the foundation for finding true love, and that most people forget about or ignore: DEALBREAKERS.

Everyone looking for a healthy relationship with a future should make a list of dealbreakers. A great example is, "Does he/she want kids someday?" If you want kids and your partner doesn't, run! Chances are your partner isn't going to change, and forcing him/her into a situation will only cause resentment.

You may think, "The relationship is going well. Who cares? This is just one little thing." But it isn't just a little thing. Dealbreakers are dealbreakers for a reason, and refusing to stick to your guns will make you want to shoot yourself in the foot somewhere down the road.

So what are my dealbreakers? I think my dealbreakers are pretty universal and represent much larger issues. And these are things that definitely should have warranted breakups in the past. But unfortunately, I lacked self-respect.

My Man Must-Haves:

1. Must be in an exclusive relationship with me. Some girls like to use the old, "but I don't want anything serious either," to which I say, pleaaaaase. We're women.

2. Must openly love me. This doesn't mean "I know he does. He's just afraid to say it." This means he's not afraid to tell me, tell others and show me.

3. Must want to get married and have kids someday. I'm not 16 anymore. I want to be with a man who wants a family. Does it mean we need to go elope in Vegas tonight & have sex with reckless abandon? No. But I'd like to know there's a future.

4. He celebrates Christmas. This dates back to my religious Missouri roots. And the fact that I love Christmas trees. This is why my string of Jewish lovers never worked out.

I have more must-haves, but these are the vital ones that represent my human needs and values. A shallow dealbreaker list (e.g. "Must be a doctor and own a timeshare in the Bahamas") is damaging to your love life and means you're way too picky. So make sure your list is legit.

Some of you may be thinking, "but you're wrong. Jimmy Joe & I are perfectly happy even though he never wants to get married or have kids."

Well, tell me how you feel about this in a few years when your fertility levels are dangerously low and all you're left with is a promise ring from Jimmy Joe, who has left you to marry another woman. I don't have statistics on this, but people who say they never want to get married usually do tie the knot-- with someone else. Harsh? Perhaps. But this is the problem with us women. We put our own wants and needs aside and then whine when we get hurt.

The moral of the story is, refusing to obey your dealbreaker list will always end up being a heartbreaker.

"Staying Over vs. Living Together"

2011-08-08T17:32:00.000-07:00

A recent study shows that "stay-over" relationships are on the rise, meaning many couples are opting to sleep over 3 to 7 days per week versus actually live together. Unlike many advocates (like comedian Joy Behar, who's been staying over for nearly 30 years), I think long-term stay-over relationships are a terrible idea. Here's why:

Men are generally the only ones benefiting from this situation. They get a full-time girlfriend without fully living together, they get to keep their trophies and baseball hat collections, and they don't ever have to scrub the toilet. When life is this good, why would they want to rock the boat by moving in together? Or getting married?! Ick.

Before my boyfriend and I lived together, we were in a stay-over relationship. Sometimes I would stay over so long that I had to wear my underwear inside-out or wear his T-shirts to work with a string of pearls added for a feminine touch. It sucked. While I liked spending time with him, I couldn't handle living out of my gigantic purse and carrying my belongings on the subway like a homeless woman or a hung over college chick leaving a hookup's house the next morning. My appearance suffered, I lost sleep and turned into a crazy bitch.

My boyfriend wasn't affected because I allowed him to take the reigns of the stay-over relationship by always staying at his place. I don't want to generalize, but I'm going to - because I believe most women allow this to happen.

Lastly, long-term stay-overs don't make sense financially. Not only are you paying two rents, but you're also paying for double the toothbrushes, underwear, laundry, stamps. The list goes on and on.

So readers, what do you think? Do you advocate stay-over relationships?

Online Dating Rules

2011-07-20T19:11:00.000-07:00

Here's a funny article I found about rules for making online dating more tolerable. As someone who dabbled in Match.com a time or two, these were particularly entertaining:

5 Rules For Happier Hunting In The World Of Onling Dating (TheFrisky.com, originally published on The Good Men Project).

Check back soon for my own entry about how to get out of a sex rut.

Happy Dating,
C.L.

"Should You Move For Your Long-Distance Love?"

2011-07-11T17:47:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago, a reader asked about my thoughts on long-distance relationships. Specifically, I'd like to focus on the idea of moving for your long-distance boyfriend or girlfriend.

I have never been in a long-distance relationship. This is because my love language is physical touch (Find yours on "5 Love Languages" website). I am like a dog: I require constant supervision, attention and affection. I could never wait six months to kiss my boyfriend, not to mention he has the world's most atrocious phone manners (e.g. he doesn't actually talk into the phone and plays video games the entire time).

My sister, on the other hand, has been in a long-distance relationship for the past year. She lives in Missouri, and he lives in Texas. After many months of deliberation, she has decided to move to Texas and even move in with him.

Do I think this is a good idea? Let me preface by saying I support anything my sister decides in her relationship. Having said that, several things differentiate a long-distance relationship from others, so these points should be kept in mind:

1. Know that phone/online relationships are different. Just because you've talked on the phone or on Gchat every nanosecond for the past five years doesn't mean you "know" each other unless you've spent time face-to-face. People are different over the phone and online than they are in person. Technology can act as a shield and offer the chance for a double life. "Cool, hip musician Luke" online could actually be "dorky, workaholic molester Jim" in real life. This is why so many long-distance relationships die on contact.

2. Make sure you have the same goals. Let's say you've been long-distance dating for two years and plan on marrying your significant other, yet you've never discussed this with him/her. Before you pick up your life and move, you should make sure you have the same relationship goals. Maybe you're dating someone who never wants to get married, but you do. If that's the case, moving to the same city will surely turn disastrous.

3. Try to spend an extended period of time together. Before you make the big leap, consider a "trial run". Vacations are good for testing how well you get along in person, but keep in mind everyone is more relaxed on vacation so real-life tensions may not exist there. If possible, don't move in together right away. I think it's important to first see out how well you share the same city before you share the same bed every night.

4. Have a plan. Line up a job so you aren't a financial burden and have a sense of belonging in your new city. A new job also offers the chance to meet new friends at the office and expand your social circle. Otherwise, it's just you and your partner sitting around watching reruns of "Golden Girls" every night.

Biggest Dating Mistake Women Make

2011-07-09T06:09:00.000-07:00

I'm trying a new thing where I post dating articles from around the web between my own blog posts.

Here's a great article from YourTango.com about the biggest dating mistake women make (but I have seen many men make this mistake, too!):

Biggest Dating Mistake

"When Tragedy Brings You Closer"

2011-06-27T18:47:00.000-07:00

In college, I wrote an article for the school newspaper about a couple who watched their friend die in a boating accident. Even though what happened was totally depressing, the tragedy made the couple's relationship even stronger.

I always remembered my interview with that couple and how wonderful it was that they found an upside to pain in each other. This is how I like to think of my own relationship - and how you may think of yours if you've ever shared tragedy and grief with your partner.

After the deadliest tornado in modern record hit my hometown of Joplin, MO last month, I learned of my boyfriend's quiet yet supportive reaction to tragedy. He sat up with me all night watching the Weather Channel the Tuesday after the tragic event, as another tornado was forecast to hit Joplin just days after the deadly F-5. He missed all his soccer games that week to just sit with me as I cried. And last week, he went to Joplin with me to visit what was left of the town.

This was my boyfriend's first trip to Joplin and his first time meeting most of my friends and family. Meeting everyone is stressful enough as it is, let alone after a twister has demolished everything you're supposed to show your boyfriend when he visits your hometown: your old high school, church, relatives' houses, favorite restaurants.

To add to this shit storm of events, my parents are both raging alcoholics, and my father has an alcohol-induced 10-second memory. Literally, you must repeat everything every 10 seconds. As you can imagine, it would take a strong man to handle this situation.

Not only did my boyfriend handle it, but he even left a lasting impression on my father. Since 2004, my dad has only remembered two events for more than 10 seconds: 1) taking cover from the tornado and 2) meeting my boyfriend. To everyone's surprise, my boyfriend didn't need to repeat his introduction to my dad every 10 seconds. In fact, three days later my dad was still asking about him (by first name!) and asking when we would get married because he's "a very nice guy."

At the end of our visit to Joplin, though extremely painful, I felt an even stronger bond with my boyfriend. I saw a side of him and of us that I had never seen in my relationship history. It's a side that emerges in tragedy and in pain, but a side that can bond you emotionally in indescribable ways.

Bad things may happen in life. People might die, tornadoes might hit, jobs may be lost, illness may strike, but it's how you react as a couple that can help you get through the hard times. When times are tough, you must ask: Will we stand by each other, or will we shut each other out?

Readers: What do you do in tragic or painful situations? Do you include your partner, or do you prefer solitary grieving?

View: Websites That Help You Cheat

2011-06-21T17:59:00.000-07:00

Dear Readers,

I am finally back from Joplin, so I promise I will post a blog entry soon! In the meantime, chew on this article: Cheating Goes Mainstream: Website Helps You Cheat On Your Partner.

Let me know your view on websites designed to help people cheat. I'm sure most of you will be disgusted, but do any of you agree with these sites? Let me know!

Happy Dating,
C.L.

Flashback Entry: "Sweet 16"

2011-06-06T19:22:00.000-07:00

Dear Readers:

Sorry for the delay in posting. Things are crazy right now in my hometown of Joplin, which I will be visiting soon. Please donate to Joplin if you can. The people and the animals need all the help they can get!

Even though I don't have time right now to write a new post, I thought I would post something I wrote a long time ago. It's an excerpt about the moment I fell in love when I was 16. *Names have been changed to protect the romantically innocent.*

Be back from Joplin soon to write new posts.

Happy Dating,
C.L.

Gabe showed up early that day. I raced down the stairs at the sound of the screeching antique doorbell, more elated than usual to see him. I was wearing my favorite light blue shirt with black flowers. It was also Gabe’s favorite shirt on me. I think we both liked it because it made my tiny boobs look a little more voluptuous.

I opened the door, and a frigid December draft blew in.

“Happy 16th birthday!” Gabe yelled as he handed me a CD and a small book.

And there it was. All I did was look at him standing in the doorway with his sandy crew cut and warm smile, and I froze. He had “smiling eyes,” as my mom called them, the kind of eyes that lit up when his cheeks pressed against them in joy.

I was in love with my best friend’s boyfriend. I mean, psycho in love. Maybe I had been since I met him. I couldn’t tell. Maybe realizing true feelings was like being in a car wreck, where the entire thing played before your eyes in a slow slideshow, building up to the impact, but then the actual wreck was over in a flash. It would take awhile to assess the damage.

I felt the nervous hives crawl up my chest and onto my face, burning the apples of my cheeks.

“What’s wrong with your boobs?” He asked. “They’re all red.”

I conjured up a lame excuse. “Uhh, I think I’m allergic to my mom’s detergent.”

Gabe smiled and strolled into the house like his shoes had wheels.

I examined the gifts. Gabe had bought me a CD with my favorite song on it.

“We’re here and now, but will we ever be again?” I played the lyrics to Shimmer in my head. “'Cause I have found, all that shimmers in this world is sure to fade away again.”

I had stopped listening to happy songs long before the other kids my age. It was around age 3, in fact, that my musical selection had gone from Raffi to Carly Simon and Madonna.

But I’m not referring to the happy songs by those artists about placid relationships, like Lucky Star and Nobody Does It Better. Rather, they were songs like Borderline and Coming Around Again, songs about losing your mind and the person you loved most. I suppose most songs are depressing and revolve around unrequited love, but I took the musical self-loathing to an entirely new level, and Gabe both respected and encouraged this.

I examined the book next, a dating how-to guide. Gabe looked at me and laughed. I curled my lip.

“Thought you could use some pointers for your first real kiss,” he said with a smile.

Maybe you and Molli could use some pointers in your pathetic relationship, I yearned to say. Not only did I hang out with Gabe more than his own girlfriend, but the two of them were always fighting about something stupid like why he insisted on dressing in all black for that Smashing Pumpkins concert they attended.

I knew it was just because he wanted to impress Molli. It was her favorite music group, so he went to great lengths to pretend it was his. He was like that token kid in elementary school who tells you his favorite color is blue just because he knows it’s yours. Unfortunately for him, Molli saw straight through his desire to create compatibility that didn’t exist. Gabe always found a way to look pathetic and weak around her, like the time he thought she was going to dump him, so he showed up to her house at the ass crack of dawn, his eyes bloodshot from crying all night. And I always found a way to feel sorry for him because of it.

I liked my birthday best because there was always a Christmas tree in the living room during my parties. That year, my mom had bought the “midget tree,” as my family nicknamed it. The stocky tree, which stood no more than four feet tall, was decorated with red-beaded apples and gold, cloth balls. A wreath made of tiny pretzels, miraculously unbroken six years later, was the only childhood-made ornament still remaining on the stubby, thick-needled branches. My mom had thrown all sentimental Christmas objects away in one of her cleaning rampages.

A Victorian angel with a satin gown stood perfectly straight atop the tree, her porcelain face pointing toward the fireplace. I thought of our old angel, with mangled, matted red hair and a raggedy white gown that had been thrown away with Mom and Daddy’s marriage. It was a family tradition for Daddy to place the homely angel lopsided atop the tree every year, causing my mom to burst into her signature laughter that sounded like she was wheezing. It wasn’t until I was older that I realized Daddy was probably really drunk every time he decorated the tree.

“This thing needs water,” I said.

I grabbed a tall glass of water, then bent down to pour it into the stand. Just as I started to water the tree, Gabe ran up behind me and pulled down my pants. I spun around and slapped his arm so hard that my hand stung. No guy had ever seen my ass before. I was mortified. Without a word, I walked up the stairs to my bedroom. Gabe followed closely behind, laughing the same laugh as my mom’s, like he was short of breath.

The other guests, including Molli, arrived shortly afterward. Gabe walked into the living room with a timid smile, then over to Molli. They always kissed in front of me, but this time I felt like I wanted to leap over and strangle her. I suddenly felt like he belonged to me, like I knew him better than she ever would. She didn’t know he liked popsicles and Jell-O. She didn’t know his favorite Bible verse was Psalms 23:4. I bet she didn’t even know about his cat’s-in-the-cradle relationship with his emotionless father.

My entire teenage world was uprooted. I felt like I was caught in a whirlwind of emotions, and no one but Gabe could rescue me. My heart beat so forcefully that I could feel it in my brain. The blood was hot in my ears. I wanted Gabe like I had never wanted anything in my life, and the one person I wanted to tell was the one person who would hate me for it. I was trapped between loyalty and desire. And for the first time in my life, I realized the true crippling power of wanting something so forbidden.

Help Out My Hometown Of Joplin, MO

2011-05-23T16:23:00.001-07:00

Please help out my hometown of Joplin any way you can:

Joplin: How To Help

"The Weight of 'I Love You'"

2011-05-18T18:04:00.000-07:00

How long is too long to wait for those three special words?

In a relationship, there is no set timeframe for when it's appropriate to declare your love for each other (Trust me, I have tried to find it on Yahoo Answers forums). If you're seeking answers about when he should say it, you'll unfortunately find that every Yahoo answerer and every friend has a different answer for you.

Example question: "We've been dating for a year and he hasn't said 'I love you'. Is this normal?"

Various answers from Yahoo:

Answerer 1:
He definitely is(:
he's probably just shy.You should say it first and see what he says, maybe he wants you too say it first.

Answerer 2:
He loves you. Straight up.

Various answers from friends:

Friend 1:
"I'm sure he's just scared because he said it so fast in his last relationship and she really hurt him. That bitch."

Friend 2:
"He probably just wants to wait until it means something. He doesn't want to just throw those words around."

So how do you know if your relationship is headed for the altar or the chopping block? Although I can offer no specific answer, you can ask yourself important questions.

1. Why do you care? Why is it important to hear your boyfriend utter that phrase? (And I mean the entire phrase with three whole words, not just the casual "Love you.") Does it bother you because you're questioning his level of commitment? Are you worried your levels of commitment may differ? Or are you simply worried that other people have said it earlier in their relationships?

2. Why won't you say it first? I told my boyfriend I loved him after two months. It was possibly the most ballsy thing I've ever done, but I wasn't scared to say it because I was 110% sure he would say it back and mean it (and I was a wee bit drunk, which helped me blurt it out).

Was it a little premature? I previously thought so. But this is how confident I felt in our relationship. And let me tell you, I would have sooner died than said it to any other men I dated for fear of rejection.

So if you are hesitating to take the reins and say it first, what's your reasoning? Are you concerned you'll hear crickets? Are you worried he won't "really" mean it when he says it in return? Or are you just concerned about the dumb "rules" (e.g. "Men are supposed to say it first.")?

If these questions speak to you, it's time to ask yourself what has caused this uncertainty, and then it's time to confront it quickly. If you think it's just "time" to say it by society's standards, then don't worry. It will happen on its own, and there's no need to rush it. But if your uneasiness is caused by a lack of trust or lingering questions about commitment, then the three words (or lack thereof) hold much more weight. Because after all, if you can't be honest and proud of your feelings to the person you love, then what do you have together?

Always remember that every woman deserves to hear I love you from a man who means it. Don't settle for anything less.
XOXO

"A Reader Asks..."

2011-05-15T12:56:00.000-07:00

The Question: "I'm living with my BF but since we cannot afford a big house at the moment, his officemate/friend occupied the other room. This of course will split the rent in 3. Everything went fine for a few months but then BF's friend had a GF. The thing is she does not pay the rent. So here's my question: How do I get rid of GF when my BF is friends with her mate?"

My Unprofessional Advice: Living with your significant other comes with its challenges regardless, but having two other people live with you is sure to make it extra complicated, particularly when one party is not paying rent. My advice is to first approach your boyfriend and say something like, "You know I like your friend, but I feel that his girlfriend living here is putting pressure on our relationship. Could we find a time to discuss this problem with both of them?"

Even though it's tempting to be passive aggressive and play dirty pranks on her (I've had my share of doing this to roommates), it will only result in her retaliating. And it may also result in your boyfriend judging your vengeful behavior. The more I bitched about my ex-roommate, the more I found my boyfriend thinking I had gone crazy or was just plain evil. This is because men, by nature, are not vengeful -- and women thrive on it. Before I moved out, I had visions of sticking shrimp tails inside the blinds and leaving rotten cheese behind the couch.

Upon informing my boyfriend of my plot, he responded, "This really isn't a pretty side of you."

So though it may be tempting, the best solution is to be rational and mature. I'd suggest first discussing possible solutions with your boyfriend and then approaching the two roommates in a non-threatening or accusatory manner. This way, you will both be on the same page and prepared for whatever they may say.

Good luck!

Dear Readers

2011-05-02T20:08:00.000-07:00

Just checking in to see what dating topics are most important to you at the moment. What would you like to see an article about? Post a comment and let me know! Or send an email my way at didhereally@gmail.com

Happy Dating,
C.L.

"Why Breakup Therapy Is Good"

2011-04-29T14:31:00.001-07:00

Here's a little story for you: In December 2010, my friend's boyfriend of two years broke up with her. As if doing this just before Christmas and her 30th birthday wasn't rude enough, he added an extra douchey flavor to the mix by also breaking up with her right before they were set to move in together.

Ready to be more appalled? After she confronted him about the reason for the breakup, he admitted to cheating on her with a co-worker. And then moved in with said co-worker mere weeks later.

Oh, I'm not even done yet. To top all of these horrid details, the man also had a raging case of erectile dysfunction for the last 1.5 years of their relationship.

While this is an extreme breakup story, I think it's an important one to illustrate the need for "post-breakup therapy". My friend always understood that the breakup wasn't her fault, but she also understood the damage it could do to her self-esteem and faith in men. For this reason, she sensibly called a therapist and scheduled an appointment.

Over the course of the past few months, I have seen my friend heal in a healthy, mature way. In fact, she's the only friend I have ever seen achieve this, post-breakup. She hasn't drunk dialed or angrily emailed her ex, she hasn't had any one-night stands, called any other exes or random men for attention or comfort, and she hasn't even asked her girlfriends for advice. In every way possible, she has gone out with style and dignity.

So if you are in the midst of a heart-wrenching breakup or are suffering through unrequited love, it's best to go to therapy. An unbiased, professional opinion might just be the key to getting over that un-special someone.

"The Romance Of Puking: Part 2"

2011-04-21T04:14:00.001-07:00

For those of you who have followed this blog for awhile, you might recall my traumatic food poisoning incident a little more than a year ago. In short, I ate McDonald's because I was a wee bit hung over, I fainted in CVS, then barfed in line, the ambulance came, I scurried away because I had bad health insurance, and then my boyfriend took care of me as I barfed uncontrollably for two days.

Well, apparently I am a magnet for food poisoning...because it happened again. Only this time, more dramatic -- if you can imagine. Amid my barfing every 10 minutes, my hands had stiffened and curled and were turning blue. This obviously scared the shit out of me, so I looked to my boyfriend for quick answers.

"Tutz," he said, (as he calls me and spells it), "I think I'm gonna need to call an ambulance."

Unfortunately, this wasn't my first go-round in an emergency vehicle. But it WAS my first time in a New York one. I'm not sure if every NYC transplant fears going to the city hospitals as much as me, but putting my life in the hands of New York EMTs is literally one of my top 3 fears in life. In my opinion, they seem to lack all compassion, knowledge and general caring about whether you survive. Population control. But perhaps this opinion stems from my overarching fear of being left alone sick in the city.

I once saw a chick barf all over herself in the subway. Rather than help her, as the train ad "You Will Not Be Left Alone" claims, everyone (including me) fled the train like there was a fire.

So anyway, I was wheeled into ER in a stretcher as I barfed into the trashcan Boyfriend & I just bought for our new apartment. The time was midnight, which was already too late to be awake. Boyfriend was starting a new job that morning and had to be alert. Little did we know, we would be stuck there until 6:45 a.m. when I stopped puking.

In the meantime, Boyfriend was right by my side as I made disgusting gagging noises and cried into the puke trash. And through my morphine haze, I silently thanked him for being the kind of man who will stick beside me in sickness and health.

The men of my past weren't caretakers. They didn't know how to console and comfort. They were as emotionless as NYC medical professionals. But Boyfriend, on the other hand, he is a good man -- a good man who still loves me, even with puke breath.

The First "Fight"

2011-04-14T17:46:00.000-07:00

After only one day of living together, Boyfriend & I had our first "argument". By argument, I mean that I was pissed and imagining heated scenarios in my head, thus further angering me while he remained oblivious to how mad I truly was.

The first thing I realized about moving in together is that you MUST unpack as fast as possible to prevent the "Where the hell is my stuff?!! AHHHHHHHH!" argument with each other, which really has nothing to do with you as a couple. Instead, it stems from the frustration of living out of boxes.

Before we moved, I warned Boyfriend not to pack like an idiot. I watched with a disapproving and nagging eye as he placed unlikely items like dress shoes and golf tees all in one unmarked box. After he was finished, I followed him with a black marker into the living room and attempted to write "shoes" as he shooed me away.

"You're going to regret this when you can't find your stuff," I said.

But Boyfriend did not heed my warning.

So on the first day of cohabitation, I received a frantic call from Boyfriend. He was getting ready for a meeting with his new co-workers and needed to look polished.

"Where are my black dress shoes?!" He demanded with a tone I hadn't yet heard in our relationship.

About 99.9% of the time, Boyfriend has a demeanor so calm that I wonder if he uses tranquilizer darts every morning.

"I don't know," I responded calmly. "I saw you throw them in a random, unlabeled box...but I don't remember which one."

"Where are they?!" He yelled.

It was the first time he had yelled in 1.5 years of dating.

"They might be in that box that my mom made," I said, praying they were in there so he would stop freaking out. "I think I saw you throw them in there when I was packing stuff."

"They're not in here!" He yelled. "They're not in any of the boxes!"

"Try the box with the --"

"I can't hear you!" Boyfriend interrupted and yelled.

Who was this monster, and what had he done with my sweet boyfriend who normally used calm phrases like, "We'll figure it out."?

"I'm sorry," I said. "I'm in a convertible, and it's windy."

"BYE!" Boyfriend yelled and hung up.

Tears immediately filled my eyes. Why was he so rude about something I had no responsibility for? I didn't know where he put his dumb shoes.

By the time I got home, Boyfriend had already left for his work event. He had apparently found his shoes, and I had found yet another reason to be mad. About 30 minutes after hanging up on me, he had called back to ask if I could check the iron. He thought he had left it on (which he hadn't). He had never before worried about leaving on the iron, so I took this as a sign that perhaps he really did. But going home to check the iron meant I would be super late to his work event, which I intended to meet him at later.

However, not meeting his co-workers was for the best, as I was still weeping audibly in our new apartment and was in no mood to impress people. I spent the next few hours crying in our apartment. My dramatic emotions were caused by a combination of fatigue, living in a new environment, and my boyfriend hanging up on me.

Later that night, Boyfriend arrived home. I pretended to sleep while imagining what guilt-provoking thing I would say to him.

"Are you awake?" He asked. "I brought you something to say sorry for hanging up."

My little ears perked up at the sound of a present. I opened my eyes to find a sleeve of Double-Stuf Oreos. My ultimate weakness.

"I'm sorry," Boyfriend said. "I was just stressed and overworked."

I cuddled up next to Boyfriend and stared at the walls lined with boxes.

"We MUST unpack as soon as possible," I said.

And we did.

What Will You Fight About?

2011-04-07T12:48:00.001-07:00

In honor of moving in with my boyfriend in four days, I've compiled a list of possible reasons couples who live together might argue. If I left any out, feel free to comment and I'll add them. Here we go:

1. Not having sex enough-- Before you lived together, you were most likely spending SOME nights away from each other, so a little bit of bedroom mystery remained. But now that you're seeing your partner every single night, it's humanly impossible to still have sex every time you see each other...unless you want chapped genitals and a very sore pelvic region. So you have sex every few days now. Who cares? It's natural, and sometimes withholding makes it more fun.

2. Not paying enough attention-- You know the story: You want to snuggle together in front of a crackling fire and chat about the future, and your boyfriend wants to watch sports or play video games until his eyes bleed. "We never spend time together!" You whine. "You never pay attention to me." Well, fear not because it's probably nothing against you. It's just that before you lived together, you didn't have to check in with your roommates about what you were doing. You didn't have to devote all your attention to your roommates because you weren't dating those people. So face the sad fact that sometimes your boyfriend will just want you to shut the fuck up and leave him alone...for hours.

3. Eating the last ____ (fill in the blank with your favorite food). "I can't believe you ate the last Fruit By The Foot! I was craving that all day!"

4. Not consulting before decorating-- Would you have painted your living room neon pink and lined the windows with creepy porcelain dolls when your roommate was out of town? No. You probably would have consulted her. Likewise, your boyfriend cares more than you think about home decor. He might even care more than you.

5. Having too many man toys-- Unfortunately, your boyfriend is likely to own or purchase any of the following tacky items when you move in together: A trophy collection, an aquarium, an old (OLD) baseball cap that he still proudly wears, a food dehydrator, a poster of partially nude women kissing, a hamster. But you'll still love him anyway (and hopefully designate a man cave to store them).

Thanks to my readers for your thoughts on this! Feel free to keep them coming.:

How about deciding who to the house chores? like laundry? dishes? who cleans the house? just want to share that i also live with my BF and we share the chores :) if i cook, he'll do the dishes. sometimes, he does his own laundry and I do mine. stuff like those. it's also fun and you will know that you're really a "team"

one other thing -- can friends drop by for a drinking binge? boys/girls night in your apartment? for me and my BF we decided that it's ok to have those.

i hope this helps. best wishes for you and your BF. :D

"Without Support, It's A Losing Game"

2011-03-28T04:18:00.001-07:00

A couple weeks ago, my friend went on a few dates with a dude who doesn't like sports. This would be a blessing for many girls, but not for a diehard Cowboys fan like her. My friend loves sports more than most men do.

After various dates and phone conversations, my friend asked this guy if he wanted to go to a tennis match with her. She had free tickets, and the match was between two important athletes (don't ask me who...I'm an ex-cheerleader).

"Nah," the guy said. "You should take someone who appreciates it more. I'm not really into it."

For my friend, this was a dealbreaker. Even if he didn't like sports, he could have supported her love for the game--particularly during the courtship.

Refusing to partake in a partner's interests shows 1. selfishness and 2. a general lack of interest in your partner.

Do you have to participate in everything your partner does? Absolutely not. I will never play video games with my boyfriend, and he will never spend a Friday night deep conditioning his hair and applying green tea face masks, but we recognize those important times when we must support each other's interests.

When you date someone, you don't have to share the same interests. You just have to support the other person's. My boyfriend & I share VERY few interests besides each other. He loves sports and art. I love writing and jogging. He loves meat and salad. I love pasta and fruit. But we are always willing to support each other's interests and learn from our opposite personalities.

I've been known to go to basketball games and museums with him, and he has been known to help me with my book and eat significantly more carbs since we started dating. Because relationships are all about compromise. And if the other person isn't willing to share and learn from your own passions and interests, then that person just isn't very interesting to date.

"Living The Pre-Cohabitation Dream"

2011-03-21T14:19:00.001-07:00

Only 19 more days until I live with my boyfriend, and I'm starting to feel like a bride before she sees her groom on their wedding day. Only that day is lasting 19 days and involves no boning and minimal hanging out. Oh, and also involves homelessness.

Allow me to explain:

Two nights ago, I watched -- with a bitchiness deeper than I've ever known -- as my roommate allowed a stranger (a nice stranger, but still a non-paying stranger) from Craigslist to move into our tiny apartment two weeks before my lease ends. During that same week, Boyfriend's roommate informed him that we could no longer stay the night together at their apartment, minus the weekends, because I was accidentally waking him up when I went to work at the crack of dawn. Boyfriend's roommate was completely justified, seeing as how my own roommate tension had escalated so much in the past couple months that I basically lived at Boyfriend's apartment, but the timing could not have been worse.

And so, I packed a bag and headed down the street to my old roommate's apartment, well-aware that I would not be having sex with my boyfriend for pretty much the whole month, let alone be seeing him. I had never remembered feeling so pissed off, pissed that my last moments in my apartment were the complete opposite of relaxing. Pissed that I was like a nomad, traveling the streets of Manhattan with my little carry-on and a big attitude. Pissed that nothing was going as planned during my last month of living "single" (*not that I felt single before, but you know what I mean). In addition to spending quality time with my boyfriend during the last month, I had fantasized about frolicking with my girlfriends through Central Park, watching Sex and The City and having spa nights in my apartment.

But then a funny thing happened tonight: I realized that I am getting my little pre-living together dream. It may not be how I planned, but maybe it's better. Instead of sitting around in the apartment I paid rent for, I can instead sit with my old roommate at her apartment and eat ice cream while watching the Kardashians. I can watch Sex and The City. I can relax. And Boyfriend and I can go on dates and savor those moments, knowing that our hangout time is precious and limited until April 11, as is our physical touch. And come mid-April, I plan to be locked up in our apartment for an entire weekend catching up.

Dear Readers

2011-03-02T18:48:00.000-08:00

Dear Readers:

Ahh! Time flies! I will post again soon. Sorry for the delay. Next post teaser: "Man's Best Friend" (And it's not their dogs...it's their weiners.) Stay tuned for why women don't feel the same about their vaginas...

Happy Dating,
C.L.

"He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not"

2011-02-16T14:18:00.001-08:00

Why do women expect flowers on Valentine's Day? That answer is very complicated. But if you don't get them for us, you can 100% expect to be in trouble for awhile.

Now, we've all been the girl (or heard of the girl) who claims she "hates flowers." Oh, please. We all secretly hope to get them on major holidays, and any girl who says otherwise is denying the very essence of womanhood. I mean, I don't particularly think roses are pretty, but I'll take a rose any day over no flower at all. Why? Because I'm a woman, and I love flowers because I love attention.

We want flowers because of the connotation they have. If flowers could talk, they would say something like, "Hey, you! It's me, Flower. Look at how much this guy loves you. Look at how much attention he is giving you. Look at how thoughtful he is." Does it mean he doesn't love you if he forgets flowers? No. And does it mean he loves you just because he gives you flowers? Even a bigger no. Yet, the idea of receiving them still holds so much weight.

Last Valentine's Day, my boyfriend didn't get me flowers. And to be honest, I don't remember caring. Perhaps it was because we had only been dating a couple months, so sparks were flying no matter what we did (we spent the night at his place making root beer floats and playing board games). This year, I didn't mind doing the same thing... only I wanted flowers!

After being with each other for an extended period of time, flowers are even more important (and not just on Valentine's Day). They symbolize that you care, that you thought of your girlfriend and bought them (or even more creative-picked them) just for her. I mean, let's face it. Most men lack all traditional romance, so this one day is all we've got. Don't screw it up.

PS- I forgot to clarify that my boyfriend DID get me flowers. And they were very pretty. He's sitting here telling me I'm giving him a bad rep via blog. :)

"The Good Fear: aka We're Living Together"

2011-02-08T14:31:00.000-08:00

This weekend marked the biggest relationship step I've ever made. No, I'm not getting married (refer to previous entry for my thoughts on that at age 27). Rather, I'm moving in with my boyfriend after a little over a year of dating.

I used to think moving in together so soon was completely dumb and irrational. But the past few months have proven that this may, in fact, be the most rational relationship decision I've ever made. See, I'm normally the girl who 1) makes decisions on a whim and 2) runs from any sort of commitment. But it seems my ideas on romance have completely changed since meeting Boyfriend.

I've learned an important lesson about dating decisions: Other people can give you advice about what to do, but the decision should ultimately be your own and be based on your specific situation. By society's standards, we should wait longer to move in together. By religious standards, we should wait until marriage. And by chick flick standards, we should have made this decision in the heat of the moment and purely based it on emotion vs. rational thought.

Once upon a time, (even a very short time ago) I believed this decision should just be something you know. You can feel it in your heart that you want to live together, and that's all that matters...everything else like money and furniture and pets just works itself out. Now I have realized that the decision requires a healthy combo of emotional and rational thought. It's not just something that can be decided overnight, but it's also not something that should be based solely on rational reasons like, "we'll save money on rent."

The decision of living together doesn't go without its fears. For those who intend on staying together, this is ultimately the next step before marriage, meaning you have made a decision that you will be living with this person from now until forever. And that's scary as balls, no matter how much you love someone. But the good news is, it's a good kind of scary. It's like the kind of scary I felt before leaving the Midwest and moving to New York. Moving in with your boyfriend is the kind of scary I imagine people feel when they find out they're pregnant. After all, you are essentially vowing to move in with a child.

But all in all, I'm expecting it to be the best decision I've ever made.

"The Biological Clock Vs. New York City"

2011-02-01T19:43:00.000-08:00

Is there a difference between marriage age in the Midwest and marriage age on the coasts?

Did the little piggy cry "Weeeeeeeeeeee" all the way home?

This weekend, I had to unexpectedly attend a funeral in Missouri that brought many family members together I hadn't seen in years. And one of the main questions asked by both my family and friends (mostly friends) was the classic, "When are you getting married?"

For me, marriage isn't even remotely in the cards right now. I love my boyfriend very much, and I definitely plan on marrying him someday, but not anytime soon. Maybe in a year, I'll change my mind, but as of now (1 year and 2 months into our relationship), I don't see us getting married until about three years from now. That will put me at age 30, which sounds disgustingly old, but I guess I'll just have to deal with that. And then there's the question of when we will have kids. If I'm 30 when I get married and we want to wait at least a year before trying to have kids, that will put me at approximately age 32 for my first kid. Once again, that sounds so old. But the thing is, I honestly don't care how old it sounds.

When I was a little girl, I always envisioned I'd already have my first kid by age 27. I imagined I'd find my future husband in college, marry shortly after graduation, have sex for a few years, and then officially start making babies. But here I am in real life, so very far from the baby-making stage. And I'm OK with that.

This leaves me wondering, has the East Coast tainted my view of marriage? Has living in a big city made me just not care about speeding up the process of happily ever after? When you live in a place where there's so much to do, marriage seems to slip on the priority list below your career, your social life, etc.

So even though my biological clock is ticking quickly, New York City is moving so much faster that I don't even seem to notice.

Dear Readers

2011-02-01T08:57:00.000-08:00

I'm trapped in a blizzard, so expect a blog post momentarily. Sorry for the delay. I had to make an unexpected visit to my hometown. Bleeeeeeh. :(

Happy Dating,
C.L.

"Ex Communication"

2011-01-17T03:46:00.001-08:00

Have you ever received one of those calls that makes you want to shit your pants in surprise?

There are usually two types that invoke shitting your pants: someone calling to tell you a loved one has died, or someone you used to love calling you long after the relationship has died.

Last weekend, after a rendez vous with Boyfriend to the worst chick flick ever (obviously my fault), I noticed I had a voice message. And to my complete and utter surprise, it was an ex. That's the thing about exes. They have a weird little radar that goes on high alert any time they think you might be happy with abother man. Last month, another ex had called me to see if I could meet up with him during his New York visit. Um, no thanks.

This call last weekend was from someone even more monumental than the other exes. It was from my first love, aka Seven-Year Asshole.

"You'll never guess who just called me," I told Boyfriend.

Knowing that Seven-Year now weighs about seven tons and still works as a cashier, Boyfriend feels absolutely no jealousy toward him and suggested I call him back. After all, he hadn't called me in about two years, so I thought perhaps he was in trouble.

And just like that, Seven-Year recited his usual yearly speech to me. I should have known that's why he called, but because he skipped last year's speech and is engaged, I was a little thrown off.

"Whether you like it or not, we're going to be friends," he said with a laugh. He's always been masterful at demands rather than requests. "Because I love you and miss you...and I'm sorry for whatever I did."

"It's fine," I assured him. "I really don't care anymore."

And that was the beauty of it all. I really, truly didn't care, but he still did five years after we had called it quits. After five years, he still felt remorse, and I felt free. I guess when it comes to love, karma really is sweet.

Added Blog Roll

2011-01-16T07:11:00.000-08:00

Hey guys! I finally added a blog roll. Yippee! Check it out (look to the right).

I will post again soon...about something extra ridiculous.

Happy Dating,
C.L.

"Jekyll and Run and Hyde"

2011-01-06T04:02:00.001-08:00

Two of my friends have recently uttered the same words to me while on the fence about their relationships:

"But I love the good side of him."

I learned a lot from dating idiots, and a very vital lesson learned was that if you refer to your partner as having a "good and bad side," you need to run far far away from Jekyll and Hyde. Immediately. A good significant other with a healthy personality will not have a bad side. Yes, he or she may do annoying things sometimes like leave toe nail clippings on the coffee table, but this is a bad habit...not a bad SIDE.

I'm very familiar with these bipolar types who are like ticking time bombs. You walk on egg shells around them and withhold your true feelings because you never know how they may react from one moment to the next. And this is most definitely not what you want to deal with in a partner for the rest of your life.

When the chick from Jerry Maguire said, "I love him for the man that he wants to be and the man that he almost is," she was a moron. Don't date construction projects. Date people who have their shit together. Otherwise, shit is going to hit the fan. Explosive diarrhea, to be exact.

"The Missouri Compromise"

2010-12-29T04:51:00.001-08:00

This Christmas marked the first one I've ever spent at a boyfriend's family's house. In fact, I'm pretty sure it marked the first one I've ever spent with a boyfriend, period.

It was a wonderful Christmas, to say the least. His family always makes me feel welcome, and they're by no means uptight. I could drop the F bomb whenever I wanted, open the fridge and help myself to snacks, and even dance around madly to Christmas music (while drunk). If this isn't enough indication of how comfortable I felt, maybe it will help paint the picture if I tell you his grandpa created the category, "power fart," in a card game we played.

Regardless, I felt a faint sadness on Christmas Eve as I thought of my family and friends back home. Suddenly, I had a concrete feeling that I may never spend Christmas at home again. Sounds dramatic, I know. But if Boyfriend & I are already this serious after a year, chances are I'll want to spend Christmas with him again next year. And if we get married someday and have kids, his parents' house will definitely have seniority over mine.

Here's why: 1. I'm from a land far, far away in the Midwest (Missouri, to be exact). I now live on the East Coast, which makes it highly unlikely that I will move from here (because it's way better). Therefore, I may never want to haul my unborn children onto a plane on Christmas Eve.

2. My parents aren't exactly normal. Christmas is meant to be cozy and loving, which is a foreign concept to my mother, who lives in a frigid home circa 1900 that has flying squirrels upstairs and is void of all Christmas decor. Not to mention, she's constantly hammered. And let's not even get started on my father's alcohol-induced living quarters, aka the nursing home. Sound like an environment for my unborn children on Christmas Eve? Didn't think so.

3. My grandma and aunt produce wonderful holidays filled with love, but unfortunately, there's no room in the inn for me and my future family to stay on Christmas Eve, unless the house were remodeled to add about 3 bedrooms. Same goes for my other grandma's house.

And thus, in one fast swoop, my Midwest Christmases are potentially over. But perhaps there's some sort of holiday compromise when it comes to relationships in which two people's hometowns are so far from each other. Does that compromise mean spending Thanksgiving at one and Christmas at the other? Does it mean alternating where you spend Christmases each year? Tune in next Christmas season for the possible Missouri Compromise.

"Relationship Fight or Flight"

2010-12-22T04:37:00.001-08:00

Between the recent discovery that my friend's D-bag ex was cheating on her and an article in the New York Times yesterday about a couple flaunting their infidelity, I can't help but think cheating is on the rise. And according to the Times, it is. And not just because of men.

According to studies, women were actually found to be avid cheaters, as well. I suppose it makes sense. For every man cheater, there is a woman. And more surprisingly, old people were found to be cheating a lot, too. Psychologists attribute this to erectile dysfunction drugs and hip replacement technology, but I attribute this trend all to laziness and a false sense of euphoria about marriage.

When my friend's ex announced he wasn't happy, he said something to the effect of, "I guess I think relationships are supposed to be perfect, and you aren't supposed to fight."

So let me get this straight: In the many, many decades you spend in co-habitating matrimony with this ONE, single human, you are never supposed to fight? Now, it's true that you aren't supposed to fight often, but you inevitably will fight SOMETIMES. This is not to be confused with me promoting unhealthy relationships. Some people stick around way too long in emotionally and physically abusive relationships. What I'm referring to is the healthy dose of conflict that eventually occurs between every couple.

It's just like a relationship with your best friend whom you've known forever. Sometimes you want to scream at each other, sometimes you don't like each other for months, but it doesn't mean you'll divorce each other as friends or go ditch that best friend for another one. It's human nature to fight with someone whose life is so intertwined with yours!

And that, in my opinion, is why people get lazy and cheat and/or divorce. They think relationships will always remain in this puppies-and-rainbows world, but, as many relationship authors will attest, "honeymoon love" caps out at two years max, and then you actually have to try to make it work. As one of my guy friends once said to me, "This isn't a movie. This is real, rational life."

So in the relationship world of fight or flight, it appears that too many people are quick to build their nests elsewhere when the going gets tough. Lazy asses.

"Living Together Or Living Apart"

2010-12-14T04:53:00.001-08:00

How soon is too soon to move in together? A reader asked me this a few months ago, and now I am faced with the same question. How do you know when it feels like the right time, and how do you know if you're doing it for the right reasons?

This question all began a couple months ago when Boyfriend brought up the idea. To be honest, I hadn't thought about it as an option until that point. We had been dating less than a year, and I just assumed no man wanted to begin his "lifetime prison sentence" so early.

"I would be OK with it either way," I responded. Of course I would, because I'm a completely irrational human who doesn't think big decisions through whatsoever but who instead worries about tiny things like finding the time to do my laundry.

Well, a funny thing happened once he put moving in together on the table: Suddenly, I felt like I really wanted something that I hadn't even thought about previously. And why? All because he said he was "thinking about it" and we could discuss it again in a few months. That's when my rejection-o-meter jumped way up and I suddenly yearned for something I might not be able to have. If he decided he DIDN'T want to live together, did that mean he didn't love me? Did that mean he wasn't committed? Of course not! But as a woman, I naturally decided I'd be offended if he said no.

So last night, after worrying about it all obsessively, I realized that this is actually my decision, too. All this time, I've been so consumed with fear that he will say no to living together that I haven't even thought about whether that's what I want right now.

And so I called Boyfriend & lured him into a dramatic telephone conversation about living together.

"I feel like I would be offended if you said no, but the funny thing is I don't even know if I'm ready to live together anyway," I explained to him.

"Why would you be offended?" He asked. "If I decide I'm not ready to live together, it's not because I don't love you and don't want to eventually live with you. If anything, it's because I want to make sure we're ready because I don't want to screw anything up in the long-term with us."

And to my relief, this is exactly how I feel. I'd much rather move things along at a comfortable pace than screw up the future I want with him. But all this time, I had been so focused on HIS decision that I forgot to consider my own opinion. If we don't live together this year, our relationship won't spontaneously combust. We won't break up, and neither of us needs to be offended if we decide against it.

So remember, ladies: Always consider your own opinion before being offended by his. Because trust me: You have one.

"Tis The Season To Break Up"

2010-12-03T04:19:00.001-08:00

I once read somewhere that most breakups occur around Christmas, Valentine's Day and spring break. Who knows if the statistics are true overall, but they seem to be true in the lives of people around me. Several of my friends have been given the boot on monumental days such as Valentine's Day, Christmas or their birthdays (when surprise parties have already been planned by the boyfriend!). Is this because their partners were too lazy or poor to buy gifts? Perhaps.

But it also could be because these holidays symbolize the ultimate commitment, and most men run with their wieners between their legs at the first sign of it. In fact, I've found that it's sometimes "the bigger the commitment talk, the bigger the chance of them breaking up with you." Sound bitter? Perhaps. But sometimes I'm convinced I still hate all men except my own boyfriend.

As a result of this looming reminder of monogamy around the holidays, the unhappy breakup-er claims he simply couldn't wait til the New Year or February 15th to say adios. To that I say, suck it up and power through, gentlemen! You can wait a few more weeks until the hype of the holiday has passed.

So for all the people considering breakups before monumental events and/or important holidays, don't be a douche bag. Either do it months beforehand or wait at least a few weeks after. Otherwise, no matter how nice you were during the relationship, everyone is going to think you're a giant a-hole in the aftermath.

"The Sleepover Debate"

2010-11-30T03:52:00.001-08:00

When you're in a relationship but not living together, how do you decide which house you'll sleep at?

You're probably thinking, "Both houses. Duh." But particularly in New York City, things aren't always such a pretty compromise because of the unusual living situations in a city of skyrocketing real estate. Take my old roommate and her boyfriend, for example. When she started dating him, we lived in a one-bedroom tenement with twin beds (hers was a college-style loft bed). Not only this, but we had mice, roaches and a schizo neighbor who would tell us she's heard voices for 27 years. And how could I forget the most important detail: We had a shower in our kitchen, and our toilet was outside in the communal hall. What a beauty that was...

So anyway, it was only natural that they always stayed at his apartment. At the time, I was always wondering why she was so huffy about this, frequently saying her life was "like a camping trip" as she would stomp around gathering her belongings for her weekend in an outer borough.

But now, a year into my relationship, I finally see what she meant by this whole "camping trip" thing. Because I have a twin bed and a bedroom only big enough for the mice that sometimes inhabit it, it's no secret why Boyfriend & I often stay at his place. Oh, and plus, he says, I have no cable.

This constant sleeping at his place has, in turn, made me into a raging bitch at least once a week. I tell him it's not his fault I have a twin bed, because it's not, but I can't help but feel bad about always complaining to him about it. And last night, when i discovered I had no contact solution, toothbrush or underwear at my place, I nearly flew into a fit of rage as he sat innocently nearby and listened.

So how do you make a compromise in a situation where one person's house is simply unpleasant to stay at? Who knows. But until I can afford a full-sized bed and cable, I may just have to settle for dirty teeth and underwear once in a while.

Dear Readers

2010-11-29T04:51:00.001-08:00

I'm trying to increase my blog's exposure through social media and would love so much if you could post my blog link on your Facebook, blog, Twitter, etc. accounts if you're a fan of it. Or even just tell your friends about it in person if you like what you read!

Thanks! Will post again very soon.

Happy Dating,
C.L.

"The Power of Not Forgiving"

2010-11-22T04:35:00.001-08:00

When someone wrongs you in a relationship, how easily should you forgive?

Well, that all depends on the situation, of course. I recently read a story about a 25-year-old bride-to-be who became instantly paralyzed when her best friend jokingly pushed her into the pool during her bachelorette party. The story was all about forgiveness and how the two remained friends despite the tragic mistake one of them had made. This kind of forgiveness is what I like to call "accident forgiveness." Pretty self-explanatory, and I think this kind of forgiveness is great. But then there are other kinds for which I have no patience. These involve knowingly wronging someone by means of cheating, murder, gigantor lies, and so on.

Forgive them for THOSE things? No, sir. I sure wouldn't. Perhaps the recession lowered people's life hopes because in the past few years, I've noticed a trend of people dating manipulative snakes who have wronged them in the past. That's all fine and dandy, but attempting this often leaves a lingering sense of anger and a strong lack of trust. Basically, everything you built becomes permanently smeared with poo.

*(Some details changed to protect the innocent:)

Take my friend, X, for example, who found out her boyfriend had cheated once...or so she thought just once. After weeks of sifting through his emails and using that spy program thing on his computer, X discovered a string of infidelities, to which her boyfriend confessed to but then used the celebrity-inspired cop-out, "Please forgive me. I have a sex addiction."

Rather than break things off with her boyfriend promptly, X agreed to spend thousands of dollars she didn't have attending therapy sessions with her sex-crazed boyfriend. Nearly two years later, they are still together. And nearly two more years has done nothing more than provoke X to also cheat as revenge, not to mention leave a bitter taste in her mouth about relationships.

When you date people who have royally screwed you in the past, all you're really saying to them is, "Hey, pssst. Over here. It's me....the fool who took you back. Just wanted to let you know you should now feel free to bring other naked people into our bed and maybe contract a rare strain of herpes from them, and I'll totally forgive you."

That kind of forgiveness is the kind that gives me nightmares.

"Cougars and Cradle Robbers"

2010-11-14T12:56:00.000-08:00

Is it weird for a 31-year-old dude in Texas to date a 20-year-old girl in Missouri?

I thought it was totally creepy until last week, when I actually met the guy my little sister has been dating for the past year. I not only had the opportunity to meet him, but also spend an entire week with him in Mexico during my cousin's wedding extravaganza.

While waiting to meet the rest of the wedding party in the airport, Boyfriend and I joked about how funny it would be if her old-man boyfriend was actually normal. When he arrived, I decided immediately that I liked him. He was mature, polite, funny and most importantly, not a depressed crackhead dropout who works in a factory, aka all my sister's former boyfriends.

At the end of the week, I decided that my Judgey Wudgey attitude toward older men dating much younger women (or vice versa) has changed. When it really comes down to it, age doesn't matter. If a 20-year-old girl floats your boat more than someone your own age, then so be it. And if all the cougars out there want to continue boning 19-year-old boys, then that's their choice.

Perhaps Anna Nicole was onto something besides wanting money when she married her one-million-year-old husband. (No, not really.) But meeting my sister's non-pedophile boyfriend made me realize that sometimes people of vastly different ages date for reasons beyond money. Sometimes they genuinely like each other and have things in common.

This doesn't mean I think women should only date men who are older than them. I once went on a date with a 31-year-old who entertained me with tales about how he's addicted to getting the shit kicked out of him at boxing rings. He also didn't pay for my $10 meal. I also once slept with a 30-year-old man who couldn't keep it up for longer than 30 seconds. If his age was equal to the number of seconds he could retain a boner, then it would take many years for him to last even one minute. And I couldn't possibly wait that long for a soggy-weinered bartender (I mean, "actor." Pardon me. Bartending was just a side job).

Boyfriend is two years my junior and is, by far, the most mature person I've ever dated. In fact, he's way more mature than me and would never write a blog with the word "boner" in it.

Dear Readers

2010-11-11T04:43:00.000-08:00

Sorry for the delay in posting. Just got back from vacation...will write soon!

Happy Dating,
C.L.

"New York: The Abusive Boyfriend"

2010-10-27T03:47:00.001-07:00

When it comes to making future plans as a couple, how do you approach the subject when you haven't been together that long? And how do you approach it, as a woman, without sounding pushy and needy?

Boyfriend & I have had many discussions about the fact that New York City is a short-term place to live. It's for young singles who like to party. It's for businessmen in their 20s who want to drink and bone and work on Wall Street 14 hours a day. It's for liberal women who have sworn off marriage and kids and simply want to make sweet love to their professions. But as you approach your 30s, you may begin to see New York in a different light. Most people start to see the city as an abusive boyfriend: It treats you like shit, steals all your money & wears you down to a little nubbin, but you keep running back because you love it and believe it will change.

Being that Boyfriend is 25 and I'm two years older, I feel much closer to my 30s and thus much closer to the abusive boyfriend stage. Well, not that much closer. Because Boyfriend is from "the backwoods of Massachusetts," as he describes it, his small-town soul is pretty ready to leave this place, too.

But the question remains, how do you pull off moving to a new place as a couple? If only one of you finds a job, do you still move and just hope the other person can find one when you get there? And how do you decide where to move? And then there comes the biggest question of all: How soon do you approach the subject? After a year of dating? Two years? Thirty years?

Boyfriend and I made a pact a few months into dating: No matter what we decide, we're doing it together. We've had several discussions about it since but we're yet to formulate a solid escape plan. Mostly, I think that's because 1) we haven't been together long enough by society's standards and 2) the Big Apple always keeps us coming back, no matter how much it beats us down.

"Tis The Season To Be Committed"

2010-10-11T04:10:00.000-07:00

As the leaves turn from green to red to dead and the air grows crisp, I can't help but think of how Christmas is approaching. And for the past three weeks, I couldn't help but stress over whether I would spend the most sacred of family holidays with Boyfriend.

I've spent Easter with his family, not to mention Fourth of July, birthdays, vacations, and soon to be Thanksgiving and family weddings. But there's something about Christmas that seems so exclusive to family members only.

Regardless, as I thought of Christmas's rapid approach and I assessed my dismal financial situation, I realized that logically, I should spend Christmas with Boyfriend's family rather than spending $500 to fly back to my hometown.

"I just feel really weird about it," I told Boyfriend. "I mean, Christmas is a holiday for family members."

At this, Boyfriend laughed. He couldn't fathom how I possibly thought this was weird. If he met my parents, not to mention any of the emotionally unavailable douchies I used to date, he would probably understand my reasoning a tad more. But as it stood, he was very familiar with normal relationships that involve spending Jesus's birthday together...whereas I was used to men dumping me after monumental relationship moments like vacations and federally observed holidays, and I had grown accustomed to Christmas Eves in which my mother was shit-faced by brunch and various family members chain smoked around me as I succumbed to swine flu's crippling cough.

And with this, I realized that spending Christmas wth Boyfriend isn't just about being financially logical. Logically, I may need to spend Christmas with him. But emotionally, I want to.

"Excuse-Free Dating"

2010-10-02T10:48:00.000-07:00

Women are always giving men excuses for being douche bags.

Whether it's because their egos are too big, their pride is too strong, or the most common--they're too scared--there's always a "justifiable" reason why they're fucking things up. To quote Miranda from Sex and the City, "He got scared? When I get scared, I hide under the covers, not between somebody's legs."

My friends' excuses, as well as my own, have over time created an easy way out for men because they know we believe these lame lines. No longer does a man have to commit to you, because it's universally known that his strong feelings for you scare him. No longer does he have to admit how he feels about you, because we all know he really wants you but his pride is overtaking his ability to proclaim these feelings.

BULL...SHIT. Run. Run far, far away.

Men who use any of these excuses should not be trusted. And women who give men these excuses should take a step back and ask themselves, "Am I really just giving him this excuse because I'm in denial of my fear of rejection?" The answer is a strong yes. Deep down, we know the love ship has sailed but, as emotional creatures, us women are too afraid to face the facts: And the fact is he doesn't want to commit.

Women shouldn't be giving men easy cop outs. The longer we encourage it, the longer we're imprisoned in unhealthy relationships.

"The Biggest (Research) Tool"

2010-09-10T05:00:00.001-07:00

In part 3 of the "How To Stop Dating Idiots" series, I'd like to focus on the importance of delving into your past when trying to move forward in your dating life.

The most crucial thing to remember is this: The longer you avoid confronting the mistakes or traumatizing events of your past, the longer you'll keep running around on your little dating hamster wheel. This is because it's human nature to be comfortable with the familiar, no matter how white trash that familiar type of significant other may be.

When I took a hard look at my ghosts of dating past, I finally saw the eerie similarities between all the men I had pined over. For instance, they were all alcoholics, emotionally unavailable and manipulative. And guess what else? They were exactly like my parents! Never discount the effect your parents have on your dating life, no matter how insane or normal they are. Your parents are the first people you love, so it's no surprise that they shape your view of love later in life. So if their parenting fucked up your view (which most parents do), it's your job to be a big kid and fix it so your kids don't end up fucked up too and carry on the viscious cycle.

So how do you delve into your past? It's a long and tiring process, as well as an emotional one, but it involves several key points:

1. Write down all the good and bad qualities of your parents. Then make that same list using your dating partners. Note any creepy similarities? Freud was on to something.

2. Write a list of the outcomes of all your relationships and how they made you feel. Do you want to keep feeling like this? Of course not!

3. If you had any sort of trauma in your childhood or any event that could have screwed up your dating life, go to therapy! It's not just for insane people.

4. Raid the self-help section of the bookstore. It's cheaper than therapy and still effective.

Think of your past as a research tool for your dating future.

"Recommended Creepy Photos"

2010-09-07T17:14:00.000-07:00

I'm taking a brief detour from the "How To Stop Dating Douche Bags" series simply to say...

Facebook makes dating very creepy, and I've recently found the No. 1 reason:

The "recommended photos" section.

As far as I know, this section is new. Just before posting a blog entry tonight, I was perusing Facebook, mostly to post motherly comments to my little sister such as, "Child molesters are going to stalk you on here. Cut the cleav photos."

And just as I was writing "cleav," something really disturbing popped up in the right corner:

"Facebook recommends this photo," it said, showcasing a large image of my boyfriend and his three-year ex on what appears to be a vacation. Now I know these pictures are tucked away somewhere in the back of his photo album, but it doesn't mean I want them plastered on the side of my account as I'm giving my sister life advice.

Come on, Facebook. Really.

"The Art Of Rejection"

2010-09-01T09:29:00.000-07:00

In step 2 in the quest to stop dating idiots (see previous entry for step 1), it's crucial to cozy up to the idea of rejection.

No one likes to be rejected. No one enjoys hitting it off with someone, only to have that person vanish into thin air. No one enjoys pouring hours into a writing project or a job application, only to receive a nasty little rejection letter in the mail. But the fact is, rejection makes us stronger. We all need rejection to bring us back to the reality that not EVERY human will love us or our work. Rejection also motivates us to try harder and allows us to correct our mistakes for acceptance the next time.

So how do you practice the art of rejection? First of all, it doesn't just have to be in your dating life. Rejection abounds everywhere. For instance, you can submit a writing sample (even if you're not a writer) to a greeting card company, a magazine, a book publisher, newspaper, etc. for a healthy dose of rejection. (If you get accepted...awesome! But continue to seek other venues for rejection practice). Even if you weren't passionate about what you submitted, it will still suck a little to get the rejection letter. Similarly to dating, sometimes we are devastated when we get rejected by someone we didn't even like! It doesn't make any sense to be upset about something we didn't care about, but we all do it, which is why we need to practice getting used to rejection and thus not caring when it happens.

How else can you practice rejection? By dating lots of people! I believe online dating is the best way to practice getting used to rejection. With so many people to choose from and so much competition, it's just as easy for someone to reject as it is to reciprocate feelings. It may seem depressing to get rejected, but the entire point of practicing rejection is to get used to it so you aren't so desperate to find someone.

If you handle rejection poorly, your self-esteem will also be poor, thus causing you to just date the next person who comes along because you have a fear of being rejected and alone forever. But if you have a healthy reaction to rejection, on the other hand, you are more apt to say to yourself, "It's OK. Not everyone can like me. There are many other people out there who WON'T reject me. This guy (or girl) just wasn't the one for me."

By practicing rejection, you won't take it so personally in the future. As Beyonce says, "I can find another you in a minute."

"How To Stop Dating Idiots"

2010-08-19T17:11:00.000-07:00

In honor of readers' recent questions, I've decided to start a series about how to stop dating idiots (refer to previous entry for introductory recap).

The good news is, it's very simple to stop dating toxic men once you really think about it. And the first simple thing you must learn is this life-changing mantra:

I AM NOT A DATING VICTIM.

(Repeat as necessary)

Yes, that's right. I am, in fact, saying it's all your fault when you end up dating an idiot. I can say this with complete confidence after looking back on my past relationships (or pseudo fantasy ones) and realizing that what went wrong was pretty much all my fault. Was it my fault that those men were ass holes? Of course not. But it was my fault for sticking around and giving those ass holes power.

See, most of us women want to victimize ourselves. Take a jog through the park, sit at a bar, or go to dinner, and you'll hear hoards of women all around you whining about "what went wrong" in their relationships. These women generally say things like, "He said he was scared of his feelings for me," or, "He said I intimidate him," or, "He just got out of a serious relationship, so he needs time to be 'single,'" or the classic cover-up we've all told ourselves: "I don't even want to date him...I just want to bone."

The problem with all of these things we tell ourselves is that they are swathed in a steaming pile of dog poo. The only reason women tell themselves these self-assuring crap-filled lines is because we are too afraid to admit the truth: And the truth is, we picked these bad men. It has nothing to do with the man's lack of feelings and everything to do with our lack of self-respect for sticking out a masochistic situation.

So if you constantly find yourself wondering, "Why me?", then it's time to wipe away your self-inflicted tears, take a good look in the mirror and say, "Stop whining about it and do something."

And that something involves fixing your bad judgment in men. Trust me...I know how tempting it is to sit around and feel sorry for yourself. In fact, I spent 26 years whining and crying about my dating misfortunes. But once I told myself to stop playing a victim and change things, I felt more empowered than ever in my life.

A friend recently said to me, "I just wish everything in my love life would fall into place."

"Things don't fall into place," I said. "You put them there."

And I think that really sums it up best. You can't just wait for your love life to change. You have to take charge and make the changes yourself. You have to make it happen.

(Stay tuned for how to fix your "man picker"...)

A Reader Asks...

2010-08-13T16:02:00.000-07:00

A Readers asks:
Do ass hole men exist everywhere? And why do they all just disappear into thin air when you date them? Is there a way to stop this pattern, and is it my fault?

My thoughts:
Yes, they exist everywhere (especially if you live in New York City). And yes, many of them unfortunately just disappear into thin air. (See my blog entries last summer about a man I called "Umbrella" for reference.) I can't exactly say why they do this, and it made me VERY very bitter in the past because I kept thinking, "Why me?! Why do I keep dating bad men?"

But then I realized that, deep down, it was my fault. I wasn't a victim. Because I realized there must have been something I was doing to attract this same type of man who had no remorse for just vanishing into thin air or doing something douchey (like breaking up with me over the phone when he lived next door...after a vacation, mind you.)

So if you're really tired of it and ready to find a good man, here's what I would do (aka what I did to find the only good guy I've ever dated):

1. Raid the self-help section of the bookstore or library: At first I was convinced these dating books were just for single cat ladies, but I now think that everyone could stand to read a dating self-help book or two. Or ten. Here are some that I recommend to get started:

"Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man" (some parts of it are weird, but it generally gives a no-bullshit approach to dating from a man's perspective)

"He's Just Not That Into You" (the movie is also a good reminder of mistakes women make)

"Addicted To Love" (this one has some crazy parts that don't necessarily relate to all people, but it has worksheets that can be helpful)

"Date Smart!: How To Stop Revolving and Start Evolving In Your Relationships": (This one is my favorite because it has a bunch of worksheets and activities to try.)

2. Write down 20 things you NEED in a man: Once you write these down, you'll be surprised to know how many times in the past you have not followed this list. After writing out my list, I went back and ranked my exes and found, to my horror, that they only got an average of 5/20 points. ONLY date men who fit these 20 things. No exceptions.

3. Build up your self-esteem: Write down a list of your best qualities, and review it often. Then have a friend write out a list of her favorite things about you for an extra self-esteem boost. The most attractive women are always the ones with the most self-confidence. Plus, having self-esteem protects you from ass holes when they screw you over because you think, to quote Beyonce, "I can find another you in a minute."

4. Look back at your past: To wrap this up, I would say REALLY analyze the qualities of the men in your past and you'll probably find that they all shared similar douche bag qualities. Once you analyze them and find common traits, ask yourself why you chose these men. Is there something in the past that makes you choose these men? The best preparation for dating a good guy is to reflect on all the losers you dated in the past and why you were attracted to them. Then make a plan to recognize these qualities in the next man you date. If you see one of these red flags, RUN IMMEDIATELY! There are plenty of other (COMMITTED) fish in the sea, and you will find one if you look for the right qualities and run from the bad ones.

Unfortunately, it took me many months after beginning the process I listed above, and many awful dating partners, to finally find a keeper. But every guy you date will teach you something and move you one step closer to a normal guy who won't just vanish into thin air.

Dear Readers

2010-08-02T16:54:00.000-07:00

Dear Readers:

Sorry for the delay! Was out of town. Will post again this week.

Happy Dating,
C.L.

The Exception To The Funer-RULE

2010-07-13T17:20:00.000-07:00

When it comes to communicating with exes, what are the rules? Or rather, the exceptions?

As irony would have it, Boyfriend and I were recently confronted with an exception when both of our exes had relatives die in the same week. The first uncomfortable ex communication sprouted up when my high school love's grandma died. Having grown up with him -- and knowing that his grandma was like a mother to him -- my first instinct after hearing the news was to text message him with a simple, "Sorry to hear about your grandma. Just want you to know I'm thinking of you."

"Thanks," he wrote back. "You're a great friend to me."

Even though I hadn't talked to him in about a year, I realized how sad it was that I'm probably still his most reliable friend. So I wrote him back and told him to call me if he needed anything. Even though the communication ended with that, and even though I knew I couldn't really help him with anything, I put the phone down and felt an overwhelming sense of guilt for talking to an ex while in a relationship.

However, this guilt only lasted a day or two before Boyfriend called me with similar news...only his situation was a tad more elevated: His ex's step dad had died suddenly, and Boyfriend was contemplating attending the funeral (his ex had text messaged him to ask if he could go). This put me in a strange and unfamiliar -- as well as guilt-invoking -- position. My first thought was, "Sure, go! You should support her." And so that's exactly what I said. However, in the depths of my girlish mind, I was a little weirded out that he would be seeing his ex after all this time, no matter what the circumstance. And this made me feel a lot of guilt.

In the end, Boyfriend didn't go to the funeral, but not on account of me. After a few hours of secretly obsessing over them seeing each other at this funeral, I concluded that I would be a crazy bitch girlfriend if I told my boyfriend he couldn't go to a funeral to support someone he used to love and surely still cares about. Forbidding a significant other from attending a funeral associated with an ex significant other is about as immature as making your Facebook status, "I'm tired of all the drama."

So what are the other exceptions to the rule? When is it OK to see an ex when you're in a relationship?

"Cheater Cheater, Pumpkin Eater"

2010-06-29T18:14:00.001-07:00

Cheating has been a hot topic of discussion lately in my circle of friends.

One male friend goes by his mom's advice: "Everyone has temptations...so the key is to not put yourself in the situation to cheat." One example he cited includes not going on a Vegas trip with all single men when you're married, as they will probably want to drink themselves stupid and have sex with randoms. Other common examples include refraining from going to lunch with a hot, single co-worker or getting drinks with an ex.

The topic was brought up again the other night when Boyfriend walked into my apartment as "He's Just Not That Into You" was playing. I didn't make him suffer through the whole chick flick, but he did watch one infamous scene, aka the part where Bradley Cooper watches Scarlett Johansson skinny dip.

"His first mistake was agreeing to go with her to the pool," Boyfriend said with a laugh.

Then tonight, another friend was discussing a conversation she had with her mom about marriage and avoiding temptation.

All these comments got me thinking about the slippery slope that is cheating. If people would just avoid the first tempting step: aka, all the aforementioned mistakes like skinny dipping with a "friend" or getting drunk with an ex, then cheating wouldn't happen. After all, getting over the first hurdle is the hardest. Let's take the skinny dipping example from the chick flick. If he never got Scarlett's number, never went to the yoga class and never agreed to watch her bounce her big boobies around in the pool, then he wouldn't have been nearly as tempted to bang her and ruin his marriage.

As Steve Harvey put it in his book, "Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man," there are always people willing to cheat. So the key is to not put yourself in tempting situations.

If the world went by this motto, we would all be happy in monogamy.

Dear Readers

2010-06-26T09:27:00.000-07:00

Dear Readers,

Will be posting a blog entry within the next couple days...sorry for the delay!!

Also, I changed the design of my blog for fun and now can't get it back to the way it originally was because I still live technologically in the 1980s...so sorry if you were really fond of the original look. The archives are now on the right.

Happy Dating,
C.L.

"He's Playing So Many (Video) Games"

2010-06-02T18:59:00.000-07:00

When I was younger and very, very clueless and single, I used to think I'd be a really cool girlfriend.

If my imaginary boyfriend wanted to watch sports while I cleaned the house, no matter! I would gladly let him cheer on his team as I scrubbed his piss droplets off the toilet seat ... a seat that he never puts down. If he wanted to play video games for hours during our "date," no matter! I had a life... I could entertain myself with a book or the Internet while he fought battles and scored virtual touchdowns.

EeeeeeEEEEEEKKKKK! (the sound of screeching tires)

Now that I am on the cusp of 27 and in a healthy relationship, I've realized I can't always be "cool" about everything in a relationship. Even though it's cool that I send Boyfriend nude pictures on a monthly basis, always try to compromise, and hate fighting with him, I am uncool in other ways I never thought possible. One such involves Boyfriend's use of electronic devices. I can't exactly be sure what drove me to act like a psycho girlfriend last weekend, but upon further investigation, I strongly believe video games had something to do with this explosion of crazy.

The problem with letting an issue fester is that it will inevitably surface after just a few alcoholic beverages. And it will inevitably surface disguised in a completely new form. Allow me to explain:

The week prior, I had been annoyed by the excessive video-game playing while I was over at his apartment. As a woman, I have zero desire to play a video game, nor would I play it while Boyfriend was present because -- also as a woman -- I would always prefer talking to him over sitting in silence. But men are much, much different. They could go days without talking. This isn't their fault...it's simply genetics.

Anyway, so after leaving the bar, I returned to Boyfriend's house ready for some drunken sex. As I said, I can't be sure, but the video-game thing may possibly have still been reeling in the back of my mind.

"You're way too drunk," Boyfriend said. "Let's just go to sleep..."

And then, just like that, I became that "crazy girlfriend" no female ever wants to be.

"Oh, so I guess you just NEVER want to have sex with me again!" I yelled.

After Boyfriend's several failed attempts at convincing me he really does love my vagina, I then started crying for absolutely no reason...definitely not my most shining, sane moment.

The night continued this way for a good hour until Boyfriend had sex with me anyway, I'm convinced solely just to shut me up.

The next morning, I awoke seriously afraid that he may think I had always been a crazy girlfriend and was just now showing my true colors. Instead, thank goodness Boyfriend was his usual calm, understanding self.

My point to all of this? Well, there are two points. One, no matter how easygoing you are, you can't always be a cool girlfriend. Some things -- even stupid, little things -- will bother you. And if they didn't bother you, you would probably be lying to yourself due to low self-esteem, trying to always please the man while neglecting your own needs.

And my second point: Don't hold issues inside. Always check in with yourself and acknowledge how you're feeling. For one, your significant other may not even realize he or she is upsetting you about something so small and seemingly meaningless. And two, if you DO hold it in, I can guarantee you will transform into a psycho mere days later.

"Things You Learn on a Romantic Vacation"

2010-05-23T11:44:00.001-07:00

Last week marked the second vacation I've taken with a boy. For those who have read this blog since its beginning, you might recall how well my first date-cation went. (Hint: We broke up immediately afterward. I hated him for many, many months -- perhaps even a year -- and nicknamed him something that rhymed with douche bag.)

Luckily, this trip -- and the guy I went with -- were much better. In celebration of a journey that pulled me and Boyfriend closer rather than tearing us apart, here's a list of the top 5 things couples can learn during vacations together:

1. We all poo. Yes, gentlemen ... it's true. Even girls do the Number 2. Vacations are the perfect time to have this talk, if you haven't already. Boyfriend prefaced it something like this (about five minutes after checking into our room): "Listen, let's just get this out in the open. I'm going to take shits. I'm probably going to take a shit at least once or twice a day, and it will probably smell." Now, even though Boyfriend and I have clearly done this at each others' houses before, this "living together for a week" situation warranted the additional poo talk. True, I still made Boyfriend go out to the balcony each time I had to do my business, but it was a start in getting over my "pooing with boys present" fear. The last date-cation I took resulted in a bladder infection and severe constipation. Withholding bodily functions from your significant other is a definite sign of emotional withholding. A basic rule of thumb: "Be comfortable enough to poo, or you're through."

2. We may get sick of each other. Boyfriend and I actually didn't get sick of each other during our trip. But in case we did, we had a code word, "bananas," that basically meant, "You're driving me bananas. Go take a walk." Spending 24/7 together can either make or break you.

3. If we don't get sick of each other, that's good. Because we didn't fight or get tired of each others' company, this moved the relationship needle a little farther. Unlike my previous vacation-turned-torture with my ex, this trip reinforced our compatibility.

4. He's considerate and wants me to experience every part of the vacation with him. During a boat ride/snorkel adventure, I decided to stay on deck while Boyfriend explored some Jamaican caves. As I was snapping some photos of his floating ass and flippers, I lost sight of him. After about five minutes of wondering where he had gone, Boyfriend crawled up the boat ladder.

"What are you doing back so soon?" I asked.

"I just wanted to swim up here to make absolutely sure you don't want to go snorkel because it's awesome," he said. "Sure you don't want to try it?"

As my best friend said when I recounted this story to her ... "Barf."

As I said, "Aww. You're so nice." (formerly of the barf school, now converted to romantic). "But I'm afraid I'll be eaten by a shark."

5. We might not do it every day. Spending seven nights together made me realize that when you live together or you're married, it's inevitable that couples stop doing it every single day. And that's OK, just as long as it's still done on a regular basis.

A Reader Asks: "Should we move in together?"

2010-05-07T10:50:00.001-07:00

The question: "Me and my boyfriend have been together for almost a year, and recently he asked me to move in (for practical reasons). I'd like to hear you blog about your thoughts on moving in together."

Thoughts to ponder: **Disclaimer: I am not a licensed professional** As someone who has never lived with a man, moving in together symbolizes a very big step. The next big step on the way to the altar, in fact. Modern-day relationships tend to progress in the following order: Dates, sex (sometimes the sex comes before the dates), officially declaring yourselves in a monogamous relationship, meeting the parents (if possible), spending progressively more time together, moving in together, getting engaged, married, making millions of babies, retiring in Florida.

Moving in together generally symbolizes a couple's commitment to each other and their plans for the future. When you say "moving in for practical reasons," is this for finances? I haven't seen statistics on this trend, but I could imagine cohabitation has become increasingly common amid the economic downturn to save on bills. While moving in together is a practical option, finance-wise, it may not always be the best thing for a blooming relationship if you aren't on the same page about the reasons. For instance, one of you could think moving in together symbolizes the "next step toward marriage," while the other simply does it to save money for a new big-screen TV.

Having said all this, if you have already moved in together, the good news is if you really love each other and are committed to making things work, I firmly believe you can work through small differences by communicating openly. Like living with any roommate, cohabitation is a learning experience and will inevitably have a few bumps in the road. Just make sure you don't hit too many potholes or you could do some real damage.

Hope this helps.

Happy dating,
-C.L.

Dear Readers

2010-05-07T10:29:00.001-07:00

I will be away from the Internet for about a week but will post when I return, after May 15.

As always, thanks for reading and happy dating.

-C.L.

"Is The Universe Trying To Tell Me Something?"

2010-04-30T15:45:00.000-07:00

When you repeatedly run into a man in New York City whom you dated ever so casually (at least on his part), you start to wonder if it symbolizes something.

For those of you who have followed this blog for a while, that man would be Umbrella Dude. For those who just started reading, all you really need to know is that I briefly dated this man, liked him a lot, and then was faded into a romantic oblivion. You also must know that after I was rejected by this man, though we had only dated a few weeks, something inside of me clicked. I cried, even though I knew it didn't warrant crying. I got angry. I made my friends sit through endless conversations about what went wrong. I went psycho. And then I realized I had spent 26 years liking idiots and wasting my feelings on people who would never reciprocate.

So the fact that I once again ran into Umbrella Dude today (at least the fourth time in sixth months) made me wonder, is the universe trying to tell me something?

The universe definitely isn't trying to tell me I'm meant to be with some guy who has a very beige personality and hates dogs. Rather, I believe that by running into Umbrella Dude repeatedly, I'm reminded of how far I've come. Because when it really comes down to it, Umbrella symbolizes all the warty little frogs I had to kiss to get to my fabulous boyfriend. And more importantly, Umbrella symbolizes how dysfunctional and desperate I used to be when it came to relationships.

So let me run into Umbrella Dude every day, for all I care. It merely reminds me of all the romantic shit storms I had to weather to get to the good stuff.

"Bar Bar, Baby"

2010-04-18T12:19:00.000-07:00

When you're in a relationship, how do you stop yourself from turning into an 80-year-old?

Since entering into a healthy, monogamous relationship, I've noticed it's very difficult for me to find the strength to go out to boisterous, crowded bars. Instead, I find it much more relaxing to hang out in quiet settings like restaurants, apartments (playing board games, sipping wine), museums, etc. In retrospect, I've realized that my main motivation for going to bars in my single days was to pick up men, even though I knew I could never find a good man there anyway. But it's human nature.

The problem is that each time I try to rally now and hang out at a bar where beer is spilled on my jacket every two minutes and men come equipped with lines like, "You have beautiful eyes," I find myself in bed by 11 and hung over the next morning. Try as I might to party hard at age 26, I can't help that I'd much prefer sitting at home with my boyfriend on a Friday night playing Candy Land and sipping root beer floats than seeking eye candy and chugging beers.

So when you're in a relationship and start to become a lame-o, how do you resist growing apart from your friends? Is this just the evolution of life, of growing up? Or have I just become a grandma who needs to compromise and go out anyway? There must be some way to satisfy my friends' desire for me to party with them vs. my inclination to be a party pooper.

Dear Readers

2010-04-14T09:23:00.001-07:00

New post coming soon! Sorry for the delay.

Happy dating,
C.L.

"Meet The Parents"

2010-04-01T14:33:00.000-07:00

This weekend marks uncharted relationship territory in my life: staying at Boyfriend's parents' house for the weekend.

The last time I stayed with a boy toy's parents, I was 18. And it was in the dark, smelly basement where he lived. So let's just say this is weird to me. Until Boyfriend came along, most men treated me more like a dating leper than someone they wanted to take home to mom and dad.

With this new "stay at the parents' house" event comes many concerned questions that Boyfriend finds odd (and humorous.) The main question for me is, do I sleep in the same room as him? As someone born in the Midwest just on the cusp of the South, I feel that sleeping in the same room before marriage when parents are present is just creepy.

"Did your other girlfriends sleep in the same bed as you when they visited?" I asked Boyfriend last night.

"Yes," he said with a laugh.

This weirded me out in itself, as I already mentioned I have never visited a significant other's parents. And as a fan of monogamy, he has clearly visited many.

"Did you guys do stuff in there?" I asked.

"Yes," Boyfriend responded.

"Well, they were skanks," I reasoned with a chuckle. "Even if I stay at your parents' house 100 times, I'm not even kissing you while under their roof. Got it?"

Boyfriend found this highly amusing, as he had never heard such a conservative Bible Belt rule.

So is this merely a regional issue? Am I being too "Missouri" about it all?

When you visit the parents at age 26, should you refrain from acting like a frisky high schooler?

"The Flings Have Been Flung"

2010-03-25T10:50:00.000-07:00

Why is it that emotional connections with exes can sometimes be less jealousy-invoking than physical ones?

The other night, close to midnight, Boyfriend received a text from his ex. This isn't just any ol' ex. This is someone he dated for three years. Seeing as how my longest relationship before this was three months, I can't even begin to fathom the lingering connection I would feel to someone I dated for nearly half a decade.

This text wasn't racy, in the least. She was simply wishing him a happy St. Patty's day and asking how his life is.

"Is it weird if I respond to her?" Boyfriend asked.

"Why would that be weird?" I asked. "You dated forever. I don't mind if you keep in contact."

Now, Boyfriend is smart enough to know I'm not referring to constant contact, but the occasional Facebook message, holiday phone call, or "how's life" text is perfectly acceptable ex behavior, in my opinion.

Later that night, Boyfriend and I got to talking about exes who make us jealous. And to both of our surprises, we discovered we weren't actually jealous of actual exes. I wasn't jealous of his three-year relationship any more than he was jealous of me loving Seven-Year Ass Hole for ... well ... seven years. What we were jealous of, however, were the casual flings. Both of us were jealous of those in our pasts who were simply physical versus emotional connections.

So why is this? Boyfriend's theory is that he imagines I was very "wild" with these flings, versus emotional and caring with these other men I actually loved. Basically, he only imagines me hooking up with these other men because that's all there is to imagine. With the men I loved, however, he imagines the emotional part of it all and perhaps forgets the physical part altogether.

How do I feel about my jealousy of his short-lived Midwest fling versus my non-jealousy of his three-year relationship? I guess I agree with his theory. I view the fling as my sweet, loyal boyfriend doing something scandalous with another girl. And I view the relationship as my sweet, loyal boyfriend doing something sweet and loyal.

A part of me respects the exes ... the REAL exes ... and anything they shared in the past. The flings, on the other hand, should refrain from sharing anything in the future, even Facebook wall posts. The flings, it seems, have been flung.

"All The I Love You ... Nots"

2010-03-10T05:17:00.000-08:00

Last night, following our first spoken "I love you" a few days prior, Boyfriend and I exchanged the three-word text.

Although this may have been absolutely no big deal to him, to me it was an obvious sign that I am in the only good relationship of my life. Or it may have also been so exciting because I had just come back from a wine-drenched happy hour with the ladies. Either way, it was very comforting to receive a text from him openly saying the three special words I had tried to strangle out of my previous romantic interests.

This excitement over a simple text got me thinking about all the "I love you nots" I've endured in my life. How many rejected or artificial "I love yous" have I given and received? Drum roll, please:

The High School Ass Munch
Or, as I like to refer to him more appropriately in this blog, he was "The Seven-Year Ass Hole." I must admit, he did actually say he loved me without me forcing it out of him. He said it several times, in fact. But does it really count? One, I was like 5 years old. And two, he was an ass hole. I don't think it counts when you say you love me and then sleep with a small village of women afterward and leave their extra-large pairs of cotton underwear in your room for me to find. Maybe they were medium, but whatever. Verdict? The three words didn't count.

The "Wanna Be More Than Friends" Best Friend
Is there anything more traumatizing in this world than telling your best friend you love him and then being rejected? Most of you know this story. My friend flirted, I reciprocated, I moved to Paris, I wrote an e-mail confessing my love, he never responded, we didn't talk for hundreds of days. I was rejected. Hardcore. Do I care now? No. But at the time, I got my first "cry wrinkle" under my right eye. Verdict? The three words didn't count.

The Pseudo Boyfriend
Pseudo Boyfriend, known in this blog as "Mouche Bag," was the closest I had previously ever come to a real relationship. He also said he loved me once. But let's review the circumstances: He was blackout drunk, we had been fighting all night, I was on the toilet peeing, and he burst into the bathroom to say the three words in more of an "I'm in trouble" way than a genuine show of affection way. Did I say it back? No. Instead I chose, "Get out of the bathroom, you ass hole." Verdict? The three words didn't count.

So while none of these "I love yous" counted until Boyfriend, I still must admit that I did love the first two men listed on this recap. I unfortunately just loved them in a one-sided way. Did I love Mouche Bag, too? I used to think so. But now I think perhaps he was just my love training wheels.

"Three Drunken Words"

2010-03-07T12:26:00.000-08:00

I did something really tacky last night.

I said "I love you" for the first time ... while drunk.

There's a saying that goes, "A drunk man's words are a sober man's secrets." Well, I suppose I just couldn't harbor this "love secret" any longer. Because after three (maybe four) vodka tonics, I officially made my love confession as tasteless as those drinks.

It all started when Boyfriend and his roommate decided to smoke a cigar outside. Before doing so, Boyfriend walked me upstairs to tuck me in and said he would return momentarily.

"You are the nicest boy ever," I said as I closed my eyes.

"You are the nicest girl ever," he said.

"No, you really are," I whispered.

Like so many other drunken and sober times, I could feel the three words bubbling up inside of me. But I resisted. Sleep would be a much more sensible option.

After what seemed like weeks of sleep, I was awoken by Boyfriend's kiss.

"So 700 people know you like me?" I asked Boyfriend.

I don't remember saying this. You must know that when I'm awoken from a dead sleep, drunk or sober, I make absolutely no sense. Boyfriend allegedly laughed and then asked if I wanted to have sex. Before falling asleep, I had told him to wake me up for a middle-of-the-night delight.

"We need $1,200 to have sex," I said.

I also don't remember this weird comment. Perhaps it was because I made him watch "Pretty Woman" earlier that night and was still in a hooker mindset.

"OK, drunkie, let's go to sleep," Boyfriend said after a few more minutes of sleep talk.

This is when I actually woke up and remembered everything I said thereafter. And this is when I also chose to drop the love bomb.

"I want to tell you something," I said, then paused.

"No, no, no, I shouldn't," I retracted.

"Tell me," he said.

"OK," I said. "No, no, no, I should wait."

"I think I know what you're about to say anyway," he said. "Just tell me."

And that's when I said it. Drunk.

"Well, I love you," I said. "I think you are the greatest guy ever, and I love you."

"I love you, too," he said. "I mean, I wish you wouldn't have said it drunk, but I'm glad you said it."

"Oh my gosh, why did I say it drunk?!" I yelled. "That is bad! And boys are supposed to say it first!"

"They don't have to say it first," he said. "That stuff doesn't matter."

And with that, we had phenomenal sex and fell into a deep slumber.

The next morning, I felt uneasily attached to him. I suddenly feared he may leave me for drunkenly saying I loved him. Or perhaps I didn't know if he meant it at all when he said it back. I thought he did, but suddenly I was second-guessing myself. What if I loved him more than he loved me? What if I had just ruined everything by saying it too early, or after too many vodka tonics? It was like losing your virginity drunk or proposing drunk. OK, not that bad. But it definitely wasn't the romantic moment I had built up in my head.

"I hate that I said I love you for the first time when I was drunk," I said.

Boyfriend smiled.

"But I meant it when I said it," I said.

"Me too," he said, and then kissed me.

So here I am at work, still worrying about these three words and the way in which I chose to say them for the first time. Is there ever a "perfect" time to say them? Is saying them drunk the most white trash thing you can do? Is saying them after only a few months forbidden territory? Is the boy always supposed to say them first?

Maybe when it comes to saying those three special words, we should just forget all the rules. (And make sure the second time we say it is a sober time.)

Dear Readers

2010-03-01T08:56:00.001-08:00

So I have a new idea. Now that I have mastered how to use Gmail and (kind of) mastered the layout of this blog, we're gonna shake up this dating blog a bit:

Readers can now write in about their experiences. E-mail didhereally@gmail.com for all your burning relationship questions. I will (anonymously) use your questions as fodder for blog entries and offer advice for any problems you're experiencing in your relationship. I don't have a PhD in psychology, but I do have a lot of loser exes to reference. Live it and learn from it.

Also, I'm not sure how many people will write in at this point, so don't post evil comments if I don't get to your question immediately.

Look forward to hearing from you...

As always, thanks for reading and happy dating.

-C.L.

"Perpetual loneliness"

2010-02-24T09:23:00.000-08:00

Someone recently said to me, "I can't think of the last time I wasn't lonely."

This got me thinking about the idea of loneliness and what causes us to feel this way. In my life, the only times I haven't felt lonely were when I was completely alone or completely comfortable being with someone. The times when I felt loneliest, however, were the times I was chasing unattainable men. And these lonely times were completely self-inflicted.

About six months ago, I vowed to be completely alone and stop wasting my time with hopeless, artificial relationships. By being completely alone, I mean no one-sided crushes, no friends with benefits, no dates, no sex, even no kissing. The only person I answered to was myself. And the only person who could control my feelings was me. This was an amazing feeling that far surpassed the years I spent loving emotionally frigid humans.

After many nights alone (and many broken vibrators), I finally found someone I could actually count on. And for the first time, I didn't feel lonely being with someone. Although it sounds weird, many times we end up dating or chasing after people who make us even lonelier than when we are completely single. This is why nearly every song on the radio is an anthem to unrequited love. Romantically torturing ourselves is quite a popular thing to do.

So for those of you who are hanging onto relationships (or pseudo relationships) simply for the lack of curbing loneliness, the truth is these one-sided love affairs will always feel more forlorn than waiting for the real thing.

"No Secrets Here"

2010-02-16T18:33:00.000-08:00

When you're in a relationship, should you know everything about your partner's past?

In Boyfriend's opinion (as stated last weekend), that answer is yes. At first thought, I would disagree with him. After all, the past is the past. Those events, memories, bad and good decisions, bad and good relationships and hookups all happened before you met. But after a rather uncomfortable and unexpected Valentine's Day conversation, I'm beginning to think full disclosure of the past is the best policy.

This conversation all started when my drunken mother called. For those of you unaware, my mom is drunk 364.879 days of the year and often says embarrassing things during this perpetual state of boozy reality. I don't even know why I answered, to be honest. But I did. And there my mother went, asking about Boyfriend.

"He's sitting right beside me," I said.

Now anyone who's sober would know that if I'm sitting by my boyfriend, he can hear the phone conversation. Especially when my mom is drunk, talking at a decibel well beyond inside voice. But rather than considering this fact, my mother decided to shout the unthinkable:

"So you're finally over (insert name of best friend I used to be obsessed with)???!!"

At first I didn't think I heard her correctly. After all, I had slept with someone of the same name, whom Boyfriend knew about. But then she shouted it again.

To know the extent of my embarrassment, you must know the facts about Best Friend:

-I was in love with Best Friend for several years, beginning in college after intense flirting followed by more intense rejection that ended with, "You're like my little sister."

-Because I could not shake my love for him, I decided (while living in Paris, mind you) to write him a trans-continental e-mail confessing my love and saying we could never speak again if he didn't reciprocate.

-Best Friend did not call me for more than a year.

-After about 9 months without contact, I coincidentally got into a horrible wreck in Best Friend's hometown. It was a snow storm. My car was totaled. It was Thanksgiving, and I was trapped at his family's holiday dinner. Awkwardness ensued.

-Best Friend and I have been best friends again for about 2 years now, after realizing how ridiculous my one-sided obsession truly was.

Now that you know these facts, you can see why I was about to shit my pants when I hung up with my mom and saw the smile on Boyfriend's face.

"So," Boyfriend began. "You're over (Best Friend), huh?"

I could feel the hives climb up my chest. Happy Valentine's Day.

And so I explained my crush, the rejection, the e-mail, the wreck, how I was afraid that Boyfriend wouldn't like that I'm still friends with Best Friend.

And Boyfriend said this:

"I don't care if you're friends with him. We all have a past. We're not 16. The point of a relationship is to eventually learn everything about each other's pasts and to have a complete understanding and trust about it."

"Wow," I said. "I guess I never thought of it like that."

The truth is, I never thought about it because I never liked someone enough to care about divulging all of my past. I never cared to be honest.

And so the last few hours of Valentine's Day night were spent telling stories of each other's dating pasts: about hookups, breakups, douchey moments, slutty moments, happy, sappy, sad moments.

And the irony of it all is that by telling each other about our past relationships, I saw even more of a future with ours.

"The Romance of Puking"

2010-02-08T08:34:00.001-08:00

Sometimes the most unpleasant situations can be romantic. Even when they involve explosive puking.

It all began on Friday when I ate McDonald's. Yeah yeah, I know what you're thinking. Who the hell would eat that imitation meat? Well, there are two times I eat McDonald's, or beef of any kind, for that matter: 1) When I am drunk. 2) When I am hung over.

I ate McDonald's on Friday because of reason No. 2. And I certainly did a lot of No. 2-ing after eating it. And No. 3-ing (you know...puking). I figured something was terribly wrong within about 30 minutes of eating the tainted cheeseburger but dragged myself to CVS on a mission for Gatorade anyway, thinking things couldn't possibly be so bad that I was unable to go into public. Well, I should have thought that through a tad more. Because right in the middle of the long checkout line, I barfed up that poisoned McD's. And then fainted.

After waking up a few seconds later and crawling to the corner of the store, I was informed that an employee had called 911 and the ambulance would be arriving shortly. This was my cue to run out quickly, as I have mediocre freelance health insurance.

"No, no," I muttered. "I don't need an ambulance. I have food poisoning."

With that, I beckoned a random man who had helped me moments before. "Can you walk me home?" I asked. "I live down the block and don't want to pass out on the way."

As luck would have it, this stranger wasn't a rapist and walked me safely to my apartment. And as I fell onto the couch and puked again into a nearby trashcan, I text messaged Boyfriend:

"OMG I'm dyyyyyyyying. Food poisoning."

Boyfriend quickly wrote back that he would come take care of me after work. When he finally arrived, I looked like that chick from "Nightmare Before Christmas"/a tuberculosis patient. I had never been so sick in my entire life and was explosively puking approximately every 15 minutes.

And so Boyfriend came to the rescue, changing out barf bags, examining my puke (I don't know why I asked him to do this...perhaps food poisoning hallucinations), walking me to the bathroom so I could have explosive-something-else, giving me back rubs, making Gatorade runs, and even waking up every hour of the night to hear me whining about how I was "on death's door."

Today -- 3 days after eating that rotten fucking fat people meal -- I still feel like shit physically. But emotionally, things are better than ever. Because I realized that I'm dating someone who will actually take care of me and like me, even at my worst. After all, if Boyfriend can still like me after watching me experience every bodily malfunction, I think that's just about the most romantic thing that can happen in a relationship.

Too corny? Do you want to vomit yet?

"We All Have Romantic Skeletons"

2010-02-03T16:03:00.000-08:00

When you're in a romantic relationship, can you have friends of the opposite sex?

This was easier to pull off when we were younger. In college, for instance, it was fairly acceptable to watch a movie with your boyfriend, then go do a keg stand with your frat buddies afterward. After all, as you explained to your boyfriend, "Me and these guys go way back. Since elementary school." Or perhaps you uttered the classic, "Don't worry. Those boys are like my brothers."

But now, as friends are plucked one by one from the single world and into the hands of serious relationships and then marriage, do the rules change? As relationships become more mature and intense, post-college, are we still allowed to maintain regular contact with these friends of the opposite sex? And can guys and girls ever just be friends, anyway?

Allow me to lay out a few examples:

1. Any friends I boned/made out with in college (or 1-2 years after graduation) The other day, my friend's girlfriend asked him if he had ever slept with me. "No," he responded. But my friend had, in fact, slept with many of his other female "friends." Not to mention, he and I had shared many make-out sessions and a few years of a college crush. But today, all we pretty much talk about with each other is our relationships with other people. Yet, do our significant others believe we are platonic? And do they approve of us talking on a regular basis? Who knows...

2. Any neighbors I boned My former neighbor and I are good friends. Yet we weren't always this way. We used to just bang on each other's doors, swiftly bang each other, then wave in the parking lot or exchange hellos at the mailbox. So would Boyfriend like that I talk to this guy every month or two via phone or Facebook, even though there is now nothing beyond friendship between me and the neighbor? Who knows...

3. Any friends I dated in high school I dated one of my friends sporadically from middle school up through high school. Today, we remain close friends. So close, in fact, that his parents even gave me a car in college. But is anything going on with us today beyond friendship? Absolutely not. He has a girlfriend, I have a boyfriend, and we haven't even kissed or dated in 10 years. But would our significant others believe this? Isn't there a statute of limitations on high school lovers? Who knows...

4. Any friends who have the title "best" My best guy friend and I have a rather unique bond. In college, it was common practice for us to have platonic sleepovers and stay awake all night discussing everything from foreign policy to why it's disgusting for women to breast feed. In the six years of our very close friendship, we have seen several awkward "non-platonic" moments including a few drunken kisses, my rejected confession of feelings (in an e-mail from across an ocean), and the resulting one-plus-year period of zero contact. Since resuming contact after our friendship hiatus, I realized it was extremely stupid to want someone who didn't want to be with me. But would Boyfriend believe I have a best guy friend who's just my friend? Who knows...

I don't know how Boyfriend feels about any of the aforementioned relationships I have with these men. But here's what I do know: 1) I know that all these men are men from my past. And even though I may still talk to them, whatever happened between us is done and has been for quite some time. 2) I'm pretty sure my boyfriend has some "lady skeletons" in his romantic closet. We all do. I'm sure he still gets Facebook messages or Gchats from exes or maybe even talks to friends he made out with a few times. 3). Every girl I know has banged, kissed, or crushed on nearly all her guy "friends" at some point. It's human nature. (Or it's alcohol. Mostly alcohol.)

So while I may not know how Boyfriend feels about any of these friendships I have with these men, I know how I feel about these friendships. I know that I trust myself, and I know that Boyfriend trusts me and anything that happened in my past with these men. I know my limits, and I know that different rules apply with guy friends when you're in a relationship vs. when you're single.

Because let's face it. We're not teenagers anymore. We all have romantic pasts. Boyfriend isn't my first kiss, my first sexual partner, my first boyfriend.

But as long as the past is in the past, I think we're all allowed to maintain our friends of the opposite sex in the future.

"The Boyfriend and the Blog"

2010-01-17T11:52:00.000-08:00

My secret has been exposed.

Flashback to last night:

I'm at a friend's birthday party -- a friend, I might add, who is already blackout drunk before we arrive at the bar. As the unfortunate night unfolds, we discover that the small birthday venue is selectively allowing only gays and gals to enter. This is a problem, as my boyfriend and a friend I met at the airport (and Airport Guy's friends) are all waiting outside the red velvet rope to get into this place.

As the bouncer limits my conversation with Boyfriend and Airport Guy to about 10 seconds, I tell them to meet me across the street in five minutes. Somewhere in this five minutes, Airport Guy apparently spills the beans: I have a sex blog.

"Oh, you're the boyfriend?" Airport Guy allegedly asks Boyfriend. "I've read all about you."

"Read?" Boyfriend allegedly responds.

"Oh, you don't know about the blog?" Airport Guy asks. "Oooooh, forget we had this conversation."

Five minutes pass, and I unknowingly step into a blogosphere.

"So...," Boyfriend begins. "I have a funny story."

"Oh, shit. What?" I ask.

"So you have a dating blog, huh?" Boyfriend asks.

In the world of Carrie Bradshaw, my escape would be easier. Her men are splashed across a daily newspaper, as well as in a best-selling book, yet never show any fear that their sex lives are put on display. I wasn't so sure how Boyfriend would react to nearly 50,000 people reading about him per year. The size of my hometown. Eek.

But alas, he laughed.

Then I laughed, surprised that he laughed.

"I don't care," he said. "I'm never going to read it ... because that would be weird ... but I don't care."

"Yeah, never read it," I agreed. "You would be weirded out."

"Do you write about our sex life?" He asked.

"No, not yet," I said. "Is that OK if I do?"

"Only if you say good things," he said with a laugh.

There are only good things to say, anyway.

And as I drifted into sleep that night, I got to thinking about Boyfriend's reaction to the fact that a readership the size of a city reads about my relationships. And now reads about our relationship.

If the roles were reversed, I would feel completely violated. But he took the blog news like such a champ that it made me like him all the more. And it made me see that something is forming between us that I've never had with the other douchey men in my life: a funny little thing called trust.

And with the news exposed that I write to the world about our relationship, his trust is most literally in my hands.

"Disgustingly Giddy"

2010-01-11T06:37:00.000-08:00

Ahh, the honeymoon phase.

It's a glorious period, lasting anywhere from one to three months, in which you suck up to your significant other as much as possible. New friends also have this "flaw-free" stage, but it's more commonly experienced in romantic relationships. Either that, or we simply notice the end of the honeymoon period far more in romantic relationships.

At age 26, I've never lasted past the first stage of a relationship. My longest monogamous courtship, to date, lasted a mere three months and was sprinkled with seriousness including taking a vacation, offering a drunken "I love you," and meeting his boss and various co-workers. But aside from the small helpings of commitment, Mouche Bag (see 2008 entries for recap) was a real douche bag compared to my new boyfriend.

Over the course of this month, I can't help but compare that "relationship's" honeymoon period with my new one. One month into me and Mouche Bag's inevitable demise, we were already fighting about his substance abuse, his crazy ex, his general playboy attitude, and his obsession with cleaning his kitchen. But one month into my relationship with New Boyfriend, I don't really see any storm clouds. He possesses no obvious addictions, no intentions to cheat, no tricks up his sleeve, no psychotic mood swings, no exes he still humps between breakups.

All in all, things are easy and normal ... something I know absolutely nothing about when it comes to relationships. And best of all, we make all our friends want to puke when they see us together.

So only time will tell how long this giddy schoolchildren stage will last with us. But something tells me our healthy relationship will make other people sick for awhile.

"Facebook Official"

2010-01-03T11:15:00.001-08:00

Today I did something I've never done.

I made my new relationship "Facebook Official."

Let me begin by saying how much I hate Facebook and how ridiculous I think it is. But I hate it mostly because I secretly love it and spend the majority of my Internet free time perusing photos of random losers from my high school, ex lovers, friends' ex lovers, and so on. I used to not be like this.

Anyway, I previously refused to "friend" people I dated, let alone declare my courtship in the "relationship status" section. I refused this for several reasons:

1. Friending dating partners and/or hookups welcomes unnecessary Facebook stalking in the aftermath. Even if you're not an inherently creepy person, you can't help but click on the ex lover's profile when something comes up in the news feed, like a relationship status change, photos of weddings, sonograms, funerals, etc.

2. WHEN I inevitably broke up with someone (not IF), I didn't want that stupid broken heart symbol to appear on everyone's news feeds. Nor did I want anyone to post "OMG, what happened!? Was it because of that one night you got really wasted and kissed that random dude in the hot tub?" on my wall. Facebook does not have a cloak of invisibility. Friends forget everyone can see what they post. (This didn't really happen to me, but I'm sure it's a common scenario. Hot tubs are hot beds of infidelity.)

3. I didn't want to "un-friend" my ex, or "de-friend," or whatever kids call it these days. Talk about a depressing and immature way to solidify a breakup.

4. Declaring a relationship official on Facebook would solidify my commitment, thus frightening me.

5. The last person I dated would have been frightened by the FBO status. Enough to probably break up with me.

6. I didn't want creepy losers staring at pictures of my boyfriend.

7. I didn't want my boyfriend's Facebook friends clicking on my profile and judging me. I mean, my profile has photos of me picking my nose and often has statuses quoting my grandma. I don't take Facebook seriously enough to have Glamour Shots-style editing. You can meet me and decide if I'm pretty/cool instead.

Regardless, I have friended and relationship statused my new boyfriend. And surprisingly, I'm not really too freaked out by it. OK, yeah I kind of am. But I officially think I need to face my fears.

Dear Readers

2009-12-29T09:49:00.000-08:00

My apologies for the delay in blog posts. I am back home for the holidays dealing with presumed swine flu and flight delays. Fun times! But I have lots of new stories for you and will be posting again next week.

As always, thanks for reading!

Happy dating,
-C.L.

"26 and Speechless"

2009-12-13T17:09:00.000-08:00

My 26th birthday marked several things: For one, it marked the transition from my 20s to my 30s, as I am now closer to the next, more mature decade. Two, it marked my first drink in four months, having suffered from an ulcer aggravated by the stress of being a poor New York writer. Three, it marked my first kiss in nearly six months. And four, it made me speechless for the past two days. I guess talking nonstop in a loud bar amid a vodka haze constitutes vocal abuse, according to Google results on "how to get your voice back after losing it."

Let's focus on point No. 3, as this is a dating blog. I met this new kissing partner through my friend, who slept with his friend a couple times. Meeting someone through a friend has thus far been the only success in my pathetic parade of a love life. I had met him once before at his own birthday party, in which we played a fierce game of beer pong and then talked about advertising. I thought he was cute and nice, but I also intensely hated men. That was several months ago.

So my friend, convinced we would make a much better match than she and her fuck buddy, arranged an "overdue" meeting with the four of us on my 26th birthday eve. As I predicted, we hit it off and stayed out till about 2 a.m. Like a true gentleman, he paid for my cab uptown and dropped me off. I invited him to my birthday party the next day, unsure if he would show up by himself.

Well, he did. And we flirted again. Then I got really drunk and invited him back to my place. I had no intentions of sleeping with him, regardless of the fact that I had neither had sex nor even kissed a man since July. But unlike most men I take home, I could actually see myself dating him. And who wants to date a slut? So I behaved myself and merely kissed him.

On the third night in a row in which we made plans together, I canceled on account of my prepubescent boy/Wicked Witch of the West voice. Actually, my voice had pretty much been reduced to a whisper at that point. He said he understood and would call me this week to grab dinner. In Midwest terms, these actions all indicate the actions of a boy interested in dating me versus just sleeping with me. But I'm not in Kansas anymore.

Only time will tell if there's room for romance in the Big Apple.

"Ghost of Thanksgiving Past"

2009-11-28T14:07:00.000-08:00

There once was a girl who loved an asshole.

She loved this non-committal asshole for seven long and torturous years until she fell in love with a nice boy (who also wouldn't commit to her). And although she had fallen out of love with the asshole, feelings for him mildly resurfaced each holiday when she ran into him at the local bar in her hometown.

Cue Thanksgiving 2009:

This girl (me) is at the local bar. I'm sitting at a table in the corner with some friends and spot the back of a figure I know too well: the seven-year asshole, walking like a massive football player, with a six-pack in his hand (Yes, that's my hometown for you. Bars sell six-packs, case and all).

Within seconds, the 15-year-old inside of me gets up from the table and makes my way toward him. As usual, I've spent hours preparing for this possible holiday run-in, dressing to the nines and straightening every last lock of my golden hair.

"You look ... absolutely beautiful," asshole says as he hugs me repeatedly.

I smile inside at my power trip, then glance over at his fiancee, who has made it a point to keep her enemies closer. Little does she know, I actually think she's a nice person and would never again dream of even kissing this man I now consider a flicker in my past. Still, I soak it all in. Karma really is sweet.

"I miss you," he whispers as he hugs me for the third time.

"I miss you, too," I say back.

I haven't seen him in several years, but this is how it always goes: "I miss you, I love you, I'm sorry, blah blah, too late."

And I, a pushover and a believer that when you love someone, you always love that person, naturally echo his sentiments.

That was Wednesday. When Saturday rolls around, I'm back in New York, still reveling in how beautiful he thinks my life is in comparison to his. I've just returned from an intense kickboxing class and check my phone. When what to my wondering eyes should appear, but a missed call from seven-year asshole.

I'm shocked. He hasn't called in four years. And I'm especially shocked that he promised on Wednesday to call over the weekend. He never calls when he says he will.

Without thinking, I call him back.

"Yeeeesss?" I say. "I saw that you called."

He sounds nervous. I don't. This makes me smile.

"I was gonna see if you want to go out to dinner tonight with me and my fiancee. Are you still in town?" He asks.

I tell him I'm not in town. And then I think about how he never once took me to dinner in the seven years I loved him. And now he wants me to be the third wheel to his happily ever after. Still, I no longer love him that way and don't really care what wheel I am.

"Then what about Christmas?" He asks. "I'd like to see you and your family. And I'm sure my mom would like to see you."

"That would be nice," I say.

And to be honest, it would. I'm not sure why. Perhaps for my own gain, for my own sense of control. Or maybe just because we once were friends, and we once did love each other.

After all, tis the season of giving. So I suppose I can give a little of my time to a former big love. Even if he used to be a big asshole.

"Say My (Beige) Name, Say My (Beige) Name..."

2009-11-18T17:30:00.001-08:00

It recently occurred to me that I have dated so many men in New York City that I'm starting to forget their names.

No, really. I'm not kidding.

For the past 48 hours, I racked my brain trying to remember the name of the teacher I met at a Yankee game. Like most men in this city, we had a good one-month dating run. Maybe a little less. But the funny thing is, I remember the first and last name of the man I went on only one date with during this same time period. I remember that he has an older sister with two kids, I remember where he studied abroad in college, and I even remember where he volunteers with his dad every summer.

But this teacher ... I just could NOT remember the name of this teacher, nor any substantial facts about him, no matter how hard I tried to search the tiny crevices of my cynical brain. And so I called for reinforcements.

"Oh my word, what is the name of the dude I dated from the Yankee game?" I text messaged my friend.

Within minutes, she responded with his name.

"I have dated way too many men in this city," I wrote back. "I can't believe I'm starting to forget their names."

What's worse is he shares a name with another man I had dated a few months before him. How much easier could it be to remember?

So there you have it. My friend could remember a man she met once, but I could not remember this man I had hung out with several times and even kissed. This is because I considered him "beige." Beige is a term another friend coined for people who just don't stand out in a crowd.

"Most people are beige," this friend claims. "Beige people have beige houses, beige relationships, beige jobs. They're not really happy, but they're not really sad, either. They're just beige."

To add insult to injury, I also like to call these beige people "The Forgettables." Having said this, I've concluded that most of the men I've dated in my life have been beige.

But lately I'm starting to wonder, what's so wrong with beige? When I think of all the men I've dated since puberty, the beige men, or The Forgettables, have been the ones I actually remember as the nice ones. Now, true, I don't remember their names. But I do remember they were nicer than the "neon" men.

So should I actually be giving beige men a fighting chance? After all, beige goes with everything.

"Dating the Blind New York Turtles ..."

2009-11-14T06:18:00.001-08:00

My friend and I have come up with a new description for the pace at which New York men date:

"Men in New York move at the pace of crippled, blind tortoises with cracked shells."

There, that pretty much sums it up. All of my New York girlfriends have officially given up on match.com, while my friends in other U.S. regions float placidly along an online dating sea. It's ironic, being that studies show New York ranks at top for online dating and singles. But studies do NOT show that New York ranks dead last for the pace at which these daters move.

Let's take a friend in the Midwest, for example: After one month together, she and her match.com guy are not only a couple, but also hanging out with his parents. In New York, this meeting-the-family process can take a year. Even multiple years. Some New Yorkers may even wait until the wedding day for families to meet.

Because in New York, after one month of online dating, I have gotten only one date out of each of these men ... as have all my girlfriends. Even Freelance Guy, who turned out to be the most promising candidate, has already started acting like a typical New York man.

"Let's hang out again next week," he Gmail chats me last week. (Notice how there's no phone call. New York men are too lazy for phone calls after the initial dial.)

"OK," I agree, even though I don't really like him. But hey, I figure I'll try dating a "nice guy" this time.

One week passes. No word from the nice guy.

And now it's the weekend. Have I heard from him? Of course not. Because even "nice" New York men move at a glacial pace. Or maybe nice New York men don't exist.

It's not that I want to race down the aisle. I have my own shit to do in this city, like build a writing career, get ripped at my boot camp-style kickboxing class, and adopt foster kittens with my girlfriends. But I'd like men on the East Coast to move faster than crippled, blind tortoises with cracked shells.

"It's All a Wasted Waiting Game"

2009-11-03T09:44:00.001-08:00

I've noted a theme lately in my friends' love lives. It's a fluffy, fairy-tale idea I used to really believe in ... but now believe is the biggest load of crap and waste of time ever: the idea of waiting for someone.

This waiting can include waiting for a phone call or text, waiting for that engagement ring after two decades together, waiting for someone to leave his/her significant other and be with you, waiting for someone to stop cheating on you, waiting for someone to stop drinking and doing drugs, waiting for someone to admit you're more than friends. The list goes on. But the idea is all the same: Waiting is a waste.

I wouldn't be so bitter about this, had I not waited on two monumental loves of my life to admit they loved me too, totaling about 10 years of wasted time that could have been spent loving men who had the courage to reciprocate the love I felt.

But through these long, tortuous years of waiting, I realized several things: One, the waiting was my fault. I had the power to walk away at any time, but I rather enjoyed feeling sorry for myself and playing out my love life like a bad PG-13 romantic comedy. And two, to quote "He's Just Not That Into You," the rules are laid out and there are few exceptions. If someone wants to be with you, he or she will be with you. It's just really that simple. There is no waiting, there is no "maybe we'll see what the future holds." People who love you and really want to be with you will act upon that love at any cost to not risk losing you. And the exceptions? The exceptions usually come long after you've moved on.

Let's take the first monumental love of my life, for example. The basics: He treated me like dirt for seven years, never fully committed to me but committed openly to every other woman like a typical serial dater who picks women off a factory conveyor belt. And then, two years after I had finally gotten over him, he confessed his love. And it was two years too late.

So my point is, stop waiting. Stop waiting for people to change, stop waiting for people to be with you, stop waiting for people to admit feelings. Because it's all very rare that these are the people you are meant to be with anyway.

And on the random occasion that you are meant to be together, I can guarantee that waiting around alone doesn't speed up the process any faster. Or make you look more attractive to people who actually want to love you.

"Facebook Love Ghosts"

2009-11-01T19:07:00.000-08:00

A ghost of dating past fluttered back into my life last night via Facebook. Isn't that how it always happens these days? Through some social networking site. As if it's not traumatic enough to see your ex in person, now you're bombarded with Tweets, Facebooks, e-mails, texts, MySpaces, and even LinkedIns.

I wasn't approached by him, specifically, but rather his fiancee. To truly understand my shock, you must know several key facts:

1. I loved this man for 7 years.

2. I fell in love with him before I was even old enough to drive.

3. He was a mega ass hole for 6.9 of those 7 years.

4. The second-to-last time I saw him, (3 years ago) he tried to hold my hand in front of his fiancee.

5. The last time I saw him, (2.5 years ago) he told me he had always been in love with me ... in earshot of this fiancee. Then I instinctively whispered the three words back in his ear, then immediately felt scared that I would always mean it.

Having said this, I was quite shocked to receive a Facebook message from her asking how life in New York was going. It's not that I have anything against this woman. She's always been very kind to me, not to mention very understanding of the fact that her future husband whispers sweet nothings in my ear every time I'm home for the holidays.

Even so, my love for my first love is much like a rusty old safe that can be cracked open with the slightest force. Now don't get me wrong. I would NEVER date this man again. But it's only because I would never allow myself to do so. If the world were different and a successful New York woman could marry a small-town man with dreams the size of marijuana seeds, then we could be together. But the world doesn't work that way. So in a self-induced Romeo & Juliet tragedy, me and Mr. X share a love that can never be. We always did, we always will, and we have both accepted that in our own ways.

After the initial Facebook message, curiosity naturally ate away at me. And so I friended his fiancee, the woman who is destined to spend the rest of her life with the man I once thought I'd die without. But the irony is, we kind of are friends. Because she was a milestone in my life. She was the first girlfriend I wasn't jealous of. Not even a drop. Because I knew he was right where he needed to be, with exactly who he needed to be with. And it wasn't me.

Looking at pictures of them together, snuggling at baseball games, fishing at the lake, playing with their dog in their house, I felt both happy and angry. Angry that he kept me such a secret for all those years. Angry that he never fully committed to me. And angry that he never gave me any of these small pleasures he shares with her. But I was happy, oh so happy, that I escaped a life I was never destined to live.

And elated that I still weigh 100 pounds while he has gained at least 200.

"Nice Guys Finish Last (In Looks)"

2009-10-27T06:31:00.000-07:00

I'm starting to think there's a strong correlation between kindness and physical appearance.

We've all been there. We meet someone with an amazing personality: someone who can make us laugh and see the bright side even when we've just received a pink slip and an eviction notice; someone who nurses us back to health with orange juice and soup when we contract the swine flu; someone who defends our intelligence even when we are drunkenly dancing topless at a bar. These people should be our soul mates. And these people should be the ones we choose to date. But the world is a shallow, shallow place: These usually aren't the cutest pups in the litter.

Sure, it's completely bitchy and cruel, but who can deny the commonality between great guys and looks? The nicest ones seem to be the least attractive. And try as I may to push outer appearance aside, I just cannot force myself to sexually gravitate toward them.

And so I ask myself, is this because they are actually unattractive, or simply because I am attracted to ass holes? It's a tough call, perhaps because most ass holes are universally good looking. And this is because universally attractive people can get away with being ass holes.

After two more dates with generous, funny, stand-up guys from match.com, I've concluded that I'm simply not attracted to any of them except Dog Lover -- ironically, the only one who disappeared into a sinkhole after our first rendez vous. Now, true, he was outwardly just gorgeous while the other two were OK, but the others were far from hideous beasts. So would I have been more attracted to the other two, had they blown me off the way he did?

This realization disturbs me.

And it disturbs me more because all my friends agree. Women love to love ass holes. And until we stop loving ass holes, I guess nice guys will just keep getting shit on.

"How Many Times Must I Be 'Umbrellad?'"

2009-10-22T15:59:00.000-07:00

"Umbrellad" is a new verb that all women should add to their man-hating vocabularies.

For those of you who just started reading this blog, a little recap:

I briefly dated a man who seemed very interested. We went out about five times, and all things pointed in the boyfriend direction. On the morning after the fifth sleepover (a dark and rainy morning) as he was walking to work in a suit and I was walking home, he handed me his umbrella like a true gentleman. I, unaware of the gloomy future, walked home with his umbrella that morning smiling, wondering where I found such a chivalrous man in this cruel city. He never called again. That is what you call "being umbrellad."

So here I am, months later, testing out this online dating crap. You'd think that the majority of people who online date are seeking long-term companionship. But apparently, au contraire. Because once again, it appears that I have been umbrellad. As I said when I lost my umbrella virginity, these men don't owe me anything after one date, two dates, or even five dates. But they do need to refrain from candy coating things. Thus, umbrella-ing me.

Dog Lover, aka my first match.com date, seemed to really be interested. We had a fabulous brunch followed by a hug and an "I'll talk to you soon." Then followed 10 minutes later by a text asking what my plans were for the rest of the day. Then followed by texting till approximately 3 a.m. That was Saturday. Today is Thursday with no communication since. And so today, sensing I had already been umbrellad, I decided to take matters into my own hands.

"If you're not too busy going out with 45-year-old match.com dates, wanna hang out this weekend?" I asked.

About 10 minutes later, Dog Lover wrote back: "Unfortunately, I'm in Philly this weekend :("

I could be girly and analyze this text in a "He's Just Not That Into You" fashion. Feelings of self-assurance could arise from his word usage of "unfortunately" and the sad face at the end, but I'm frankly sick of being umbrellad. If this man was really interested, he would have a) text messaged, e-mailed, or called me during the week and b) ended his text with, "but we should hang out when I get back."

Because at age 25.8, I really don't have time for this type of man anymore who dances in a gray area and acts interested but never follows through. In the midst of this rejection text from Dog Lover, I received a follow-up e-mail from Lawyer (the day after our first date) and an initial phone call from Freelance guy, both asking if I wanted to have dinner next week.

And suddenly I realized, these are the real men, ladies. These are the men who will hold the umbrella for you in the rain instead of handing it off to you and running away like pussy boys, afraid of a little lightning.

"Long Barfy Walks on the Beach"

2009-10-12T17:30:00.001-07:00

I'm pretty sure online dating only depresses me more.

As you'll recall from a couple months back, my roommate suggested I try online dating as the alternative to meeting sluggy men in bars. I've been told you should meet people while doing activities you love, thus sparking passion by common interests. The problem is, my interests are
1. going out (bars) 2. speaking French (usually not a straight-guy quality... and I've already tried French men. Too clingy.) 3. jogging (a solo activity) 4. traveling (What are the chances of sitting next to a hot guy on an airplane? I mean, really.)

Other than that, I've got nothing. So I thought perhaps my roommate was correct. Perhaps I should create an online dating profile and simply list my activities. I resisted but eventually made a profile under the conditions that she have full control of my password, my "winking" privileges (the flirty online dating equivalent of Facebook poking), and my e-mails. As would naturally happen, though, she quickly forgot the password and stopped responding to these men after about a week.

And so last night, feeling extra lonely as the impending winter doom blew through my apartment windows, I created another profile under my full control, this time on match.com. (I haven't paid a penny yet. Looking is free, man.)

Today, after approximately seven e-mails and about 20 winks, I investigated the brave men who dared wink me. And let me tell you, ladies: It is sliiiiiiiiim pickins' out there. My choices were between a gothic man who called himself "goodkindacrazy" and a dude who "likes long walks on the beach." (vom-it.) And I emphasize ladies because plenty more hot women exist on that site than men. I know this because at least five of my hot girlfriends do online dating.

These slim pickins' got me thinking: Do men just have more choices in this world when it comes to dating? Or are women simply more desperate to find mates and therefore more inclined to turn to online dating? I've gotta tell you, it did feel a bit dirty and shameful to peruse strangers' profiles. And I don't know why it felt shameful, either, because it's essentially an online bar with rotating photos.

I mean, I do the same cruel thing online as I do in the bar, anyway: judge.

So who really knows what the verdict will be with this online dating experiment...

"Love In The Time of Recession"

2009-10-06T09:10:00.000-07:00

My friends' relationships are on the brink of foreclosure lately.

As I've offered copious advice, a tiny little shoulder to cry on, and a beer to sip in troubled times, I have to ask myself what is happening to these people. Why now, of all times, do I suddenly feel strongest while their relationships run through a high-powered paper shredder? Why have they all become insane victims of love?

The answer is, the recession.

It's bad enough to weather a recession at all, but to brave it with a partner? It's the true test of love and loyalty. At present, my friends' relationships are crumbling for a number of reasons including finances, infidelity, career jealousy, and frivolous nothingness.

At first, I was appalled. Why was I alone, while these people who had no clue how to manage relationships and resolve conflict were blessed with significant others? But then I eased up. After all, their "pillars of stability," as I coin them (career, money, relationships), have been shaken to the very core amid the economic downturn. Whereas before, they had stability in their careers and finances, they are now feeling uneasy and putting all the pressure on the only thing they have left: their relationships. And this, in turn, is causing ridiculous fights and unrealistic expectations.

I, luckily, lack all pillars of stability and always have. So I continue to float placidly along choppy waters as effortlessly as tying my shoelaces or brushing my teeth.

So if you're in a relationship and fighting like crazy, realize that resting all your hopes and trust in one pillar will only make it fall. And if you're solo amid the recession, it's time to get that first piece of stone and start building a pillar. Rome wasn't built in a day. Neither was love. So get to work.

"We All Need a Little Closure"

2009-09-28T15:45:00.001-07:00

Why is my love life in recycle mode?

After seeing T-Shirt Guy on Wall Street last week, I should have known all the men from my past ... even my brief past ... would return. Next in line was none other than Ex-Wall Street Guy, also known as the germaphobe whose number I deleted after our fifth date/make out sleepover.

That was nearly three months ago.

This was today:

"Just wondering..." the text began. "Why did you never call me post dinner in Brooklyn?"

I figured it was Ex-Wall Street, but I couldn't be positive, as I had deleted a string of men's numbers in the past few months, most of whom had the same area code. I knew it was rude, but I responded anyway with the ultimate insult.

"Who is this?"

"Who is this?" is the worst possible text because it implies that you viewed the person you were dating merely in the short-term. While some use the lame excuse, "I lost my phone and the numbers in it. Who is this?" I just couldn't bring myself to candy coat the situation.

He responded with his name, and I contemplated an appropriate answer. I had never dated anyone as ballsy as this man. I had never known anyone to send a text months after the fact, demanding to know why I hadn't placed a simple call.

There were so many answers I wanted to send:

"I'm not deathly afraid of germs."

"Your request for post-date sex was like a bad after-school special."

"You're a volatile human being."

"You told me I wasn't funny."

Instead, I sent the following:

"Um, I dunno. I just felt like there wasn't really a connection either way after that date."

I left work and got on the train, and for some reason, felt a guilt and a sadness. It wasn't that I liked Ex-Wall or missed him; it was that I suddenly realized I was to Ex-Wall as T-Shirt Guy was to me. Because of my misleading behavior, or perhaps because of Ex-Wall's interpretation of my behavior, he was actually still wondering what had happened between us nearly a season later. And for that, I felt like I needed to send one last text:

"Sorry," I wrote. "That sounded pretty bitchy. Your question just caught me off guard."

"It's cool," he responded.

And as I made my way through midtown, I smiled and hoped that karma could be kind to me. If I had given someone else closure (even if it was weird for him to need it), maybe the universe wasn't far off from opening some romantic doors for me.

PS-Here's a new blog going on (strictly about my experiences in New York ... coupled with my friend's experiences in Paris. Check it out!: http://parisandnewyorkviamissouri.blogspot.com/)